Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I Could!

I could!

I could walk away from the desires of being with you,
Those moments where I would feel the very breathe on my face,

I could walk away from the dreams I dreamt,
Of sweet surrender of my mind onto your laps,

I could walk away from the feelings you invoked,
Of those whisking me away from the ground,

I could fall in love with my loneliness as ever before,
Instead of having a shoulder to lean on at times of loneliness,

I could spend my time wishing for the miracle,
Standing by the railings, looking at the distant hope in the sky,

I could!

But I would not leave this moment go unattended to,
For, I could change the moment for a better off, for something new tomorrow!

I could choose to be living in the past soaked in memories,
Or I could choose to be living in this moment, letting go the past to be a phase!

I see a reflection in the mirror, with a sign of happiness,
For it knows of the choice made!

My Tangible Adoption

“Beep Beep”

Mind recognized the new alert and hands reached the modern technology.

‘1 message received’

“gutten morning feeta, lovely weather, day’s kuttu blowin, gosho feel like kissin the kisses…hi~fi…stay the same…pooch pooch pooch u”

Once upon a time, these texts seemed Greek and Latin to me, fighting my word power to figure out what did the message signify? Over a period of time, I got habituated to these strange words. At that moment, I was remembered in somebody’s mind, to an extent where in waking up and starting the day seemed to be of secondary importance to her.

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

My lethargic eyes couldn’t resist the early hours anymore and instantly shut its gate to the sunlight, for an extended sleep until the alarm went off - so started my day. The messages went unanswered and it was very well known to her that my morning was wrapped in a tight schedule until I sit in the bus heading miles away to the office.

At times, I stupidly laugh at myself of the morning schedule, somehow reminding me of that boring character from the movie “Dil Chahtha Hein” – who kept a tab on and recorded every minute of his lifetime. To get up at 6:30 am; switch on my favorite program – “Friends” – head to the ‘Lou Bega’ with paper in my hand – ease myself out – brush my teeth – and sit with a cup of Instant coffee in my bucket size blue mug watching the Friends and their timely stupidity. At 7:00 am; I go to iron my clothes and then head to bathe, followed by offering prayers to the Holy Mighty and then change into my neatly pressed clothes. Barely leaving any time for any other activities, knowing for obvious that if any time was wasted I would miss my bus and had to wreck my back traveling to the office – 40 kilometers away. Phew!

Knock Knock!!

As I got dressed, my mother would be waiting outside the bedroom door, knocking for the 3rd time, with breakfast in hand. Cup of cornflakes - soaked in ice cold milk, with black raisins, badam and a spoon of honey poured in, to add flavor to the flakes. This is when the game of cat and mouse begins; I find myself running around to find my pair of socks, body spray, hand kerchief, wallet, office I card, keys to my office drawers, mobile and my wrist watch. All this while, one would find my mom running behind my back, in the same pace so to get a chance and stuff the cornflakes into my mouth. Childish ways – so be it – but this is how I have my breakfast regularly – a practice since the time I remember, though the breakfast kept changing and off late settled to the cornflakes.

Heading out of the house, would start my jogging time, until I reached the bus stop. Sometimes I find it very difficult to understand as to why I don’t make an attempt to get up early. But there will be thousands of souls who would sync their thoughts with mine when it comes to the orgasmic pleasures of letting the alarm snooze for that last 10 minutes of sleep. Voila - Nothing like it!

On settling myself by the window seat, is when I take my mobile to read the messages received.

“4 messages received”

Amidst all her activities of getting up early like me and getting ready to college to be there by 8:00am, she still finds time to message. And I end up blaming my ‘hectic’ schedules not answering her message until I sit in the bus. Alas! Guilt trip! But it lasts only for fraction of seconds as I convince myself of how all fingers are not the same. It’s true when the wise man wrote – ‘Guys come up with unique ways to evade the guilt and being blamed at’

Last message read – “ feeta – mam’s come and she is boring the hell outta me – it’l be difficult to msg – cya later – will get back once she’s gone…u rock..stay the same..gosho..ur so adorable..stay the same..hi~fi…pooch pooch…..muah”

Gotta admit that display of affection is light years away from my existence, but somehow I started exploring the possibilities of confronting it – thanks to this lady who walked into my life couple of months back.

Hold on your wandering thoughts!!
She is not my girlfriend!
She is not my sweetheart!

Watching the world commuting outside the window by the seat, my mind zoomed in on the memory lane.

One evening, I was to meet a friend of mine in a mall to check in on one of the dance school – you know to learn those steps from Salsa – to woo the girls. Again remind yourself of the special emphasis to be given on the “Guys coming up with unique ways…” phrase – it will add its own magic here. He called up to check out, whether was it a nice idea to get a friend along as she was free that evening. Though lousy to admit of my stranger phobia – I gave a go ahead.

We met up outside the mall and unfortunately the dance school was closed that evening for some lame reason. Post the formal intros, we then headed off to a café to chat for a while. Since it was a weekend, I had earlier told my friend of hitting the pub in the evening for a drink or two. Everything seemed to go for a flop – ‘cos somewhere I still believed that the girls in this city were not as comfortable visiting the pubs as in the city where I spent a large part of my life at.

So we stood outside the café deciding what to do next. Somehow, I guess my friend realized that I wanted to head out for drinks – he spoke of his friend- kuttu’s drinking adventure. To which she jumped off her feet and pleaded to go the pub for a drink, ‘cos she would never get a chance – thanks to her parents.

Voila, what more can I ask for!! However I was warned of her eccentric mode post the drinks masking her senses.

In matter of 20 minutes we found ourselves browsing the drinks menu in the pub. Kuttu, went on deciding her drinks – starting with a shot of Tequila and then followed by rounds of white rum. I didn’t know what to make of it – the only thing that was lingering my mind was the warning my friend gave – ‘her eccentric mode’. But then I was least concerned about it – what mattered to me was to see the glasses being filled every time it was downed to its last sip.

Post the first Tequila shot – which was some sort of a grand ritual for the drinking cult – myself and my friend settled down with the scotch served on rocks. Kuttu was hyper enthu of her next round which she placed an order for – a round of white rum. My friend kept on warning kuttu to keep herself checked on the liquid intake. Just after 30 minutes, everything became very clear to me as to why my friend insisted on her eccentric mode. Phew, I realized it was her 2nd time of drinking in her lifetime, but she spoke of nothing less than a regular drinker. All my nasha went down the drain when it was time to hold her and get her on to the saner side. She was indeed in her best mode in terms of depicting every act of a drunkard’s behavior. We then became the center of attention when people started casting their eyes on our table. It was time to move out and how?? We were clueless! She could barely stand on her feet and all the time she kept on mumbling was – where’s my drink??? God was the only hope to save us off the situation.

It was the night of lots of “first times” in my life. Be it in terms of guarding my glass from a girls prying eyes – requesting the bartender to chase us out (enacting though so that she is convinced that we are being chased out because of her superficial act) – visiting the ladies rest room so that we can wash her face and pour some water on her head – to the disrespectful eyes of the guests waiting in the lounge. Man! that was night definitely to be remembered. We decided to force her to normalcy before she heads back home. The worst was yet to come when I was told of her father being not less than Ambrish puri in DDLJ in terms of raising his kids. I froze and my mind failed to switch on its regular course of action. The only option left to us was to make her act normal. We decided to leave the bikes in the pub and caught an auto and headed to my home – the last resort before my mind stopped working. I called up my mom and told her off the situation and as usual she was being very co-operative. One of the first timers again in my life was when I decided to brush her teeth so that her dad does not smell anything fishy for the night.

Wiseman had penned down earlier – “situations makes a man act anything out of his normalcy”. Indeed, there was no better a situation for this phrase in my life.

Thankfully, God was with us and we safely dropped her back home and she headed off to sleep without speaking a word.

The next morning –

“Beep Beep”

For obvious reasons my eyes opened to see the clock striking 11:00 am. Hands scouted for the mobile and read -

“1 message received” – a message of how miserable she felt and of how grateful she was to meet a stranger who took good care of her during her elated feeling.

“Beep Beep”

We then hit off pretty well and started messaging each other to infinity. She spoke of how she respected me as a person and went on to reveal her teeny weeny crush on me.

Ha Ha Ha !

We met up few days later, when she had accompanied her soul mate to the same café where we were supposed to go to in our first meeting. After a hearty laugh on our drinking experience we then decided to head our respective home. While taking the bike out of the parking lot, I was embarrassed to the core to lip read her when she spoke to her soul mate of how cute I was. Though I am dark, I bet the public wouldn’t have failed to notice how pink I turned into off my embarrassment.

Logical reasoning – Firstly guys fail to react when they are complimented by girls. Secondly guys fail to understand as to how they are perceived to be termed as cute!!!

We have hardly met couple of times but we end messaging each other - atleast 30 – 40 msgs through out the day. I’m in a perpetual awe at her spark of energy any given point of time. She infects a high amount of happiness to anyone and imbibes the feeling of cherishing life in every small way – be it admiring the weather – be it enjoying the coffee – be it getting back home by the rick – or be it even meeting strangers on the road. She is full of life and definitely is one of those who come rarely in a person’s life.

To some extent, she taught me how to express feelings through messages – I wouldn’t have ever imagined saying something as beautiful as ‘muah’ to anyone – be it via messages or be it on the face. Now, it is one of the most commonly used words in my dictionary. I realized its one short lifetime – make the best of it by expressing oneself whole heartedly – as good as a child confronting his feelings.

She is one cute little girl that I couldn’t resist adopting her as a friend – yes she became my adoption –my very first time - for a lifetime.

Hold on!
She is not my girlfriend, but still she is my best girl friend!
She is not my sweetheart, but I still call her so almost everyday!
She is the only one whom I tell almost daily that I love her – but not in the typical way as one might see and perceive.

Sometimes, a relationship amongst genders need not necessarily mean to be that of a boyfriend / girlfriend, brother / sister, husband / wife, father / daughter, mother / son.

Sometimes, a relationship amongst genders become truly indefinable – like the way I have with her. Yes she is my adoption and my friend – in simple words – my adopted friend.

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

This moment, I am remembered in somebody’s mind, to an extent where in the breaks between the classes is a chance seen for her to catch up on me. And everything else seems to be of secondary importance to her.

“Beep Beep”

“7 messages received”

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

Note: for the benefit of the reader please note the meaning of the verbal usage.

gutten morning – good morning
feeta - friend
day’s kuttu blowin – day’s mind blowing
gosho – gosh
love+concern+kicks+random kisses – needless to say, however I still don’t know where does concern fit into the formulae. I never asked and she never told.
stay the same – come on you can get this one. It’s damn easy my friend.
pooch pooch pooch – a sort of kiss wherein you kiss yourself in the absence of the other one, just the same way the other person does right on your cheeks.
Muah – an expression of an imaginary chimpanzee pouting his lips in an attempt to kiss.
Hi~fi – an expression of achievement. The act embodies one hand of each person going high in the air and sort to clap one another in the mid air.
Love u – sometimes it’s the best to tell these words irrespective of the situation. I am an ardent fan of these words – thanks to feeta – that I now use it most commonly with the other words learnt due course – “muah! Love u, million hugs and kisses” the first 2 words being her contribution, rest being my attempt to be charming. I generally use this sentence on the girls I find fitting the bill (don bother asking me to explain this one). Sigh, however I have started to believe in the wiseman’s say – “Failure is the first step to success”

A Balancing Act!

A casual statement was made amidst a conversation with my friend.

“For the person you are, you deserve all of those ever imagined and dreamt off!”

Hmmm…. Elated for a second and at the same time I wondered,

Didn’t those people deserve better -

When their life was snatched away by time, leaving nothing but a life long silence to their loved ones!
When ribs showed their presence when the food didn’t!
When all they found was abandoned in the streets, after pawning their freedom catering to their child’s never ending demands!
When the bowl went empty even after the aged desperate hands cried for alms!
When the tiny tots squeeze themselves into a small iron ring, just to ensure that they catch the right attention and be catered to their next meal!
When they are demanded to pay a donation – a mere token of appreciating work - to get their rights granted!
When the abuse is termed as just another moment of pleasure by those of the stronger presence!

They do!
They do more than what we do!
They pretty much deserve all those dreams which they are scared to even think off!

If all of us, who deserved and got the same in our life, start thinking of fulfilling those dreams of the less fortunate ones, the world would indeed be another mould of balancing act!

Sigh, many of us seldom think in the lines of seeing a smile on other’s face, by sacrificing our own self made deserving plate of desires.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Life's calling

Life is not fair at all times.

It shows it’s better side most of its stay.
But to ensure that a soul doesn't get absorbed in the sweet morality at its stake,
It shows up the other side as well...
This is a reasoning of its own self to ensure that the soul feels the sweetness even better.

Life is not fair at all times...............
We just have to sail with the flow.
'Cos there awaits a better side of its being
Waiting to be explored and exploited to its fullest.

Life is Fair if u look at the flip side.

Life is damn Fair .... 'cos its Life ...........
And Life is to be lived to its every second.
Not lost for its every second feeling morose on its adversity.

Life is calling where are you.... Life has its arms spread wide open for the warmth.

Feel the Life .... and its very warmness.

Devils Advocate

Casting my feeling of loneliness was a normalcy since the time I was left alone in the land of no man. Yeah, the transfer to a new place did play the Devil’s advocate in making me realize that I was indeed alone.

Reality Bites

A Heart dies when it is not able to share its feelings...
But a Heart kills itself when another Heart doesn't understand its feelings.

When reality bites.. it bites really hard.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Lost Race

He was sitting in a corner, all alone by the table. Cup of coffee stayed cold while he was lost in thoughts. For a passerby, he was one of the aged, homeless, aimless, lifeless men who’d not even deserve a second look by the “busy US”. But for the world in his mind, he was a celebrity of his own genre.

Our parents grew up listening to him lending his magnificent voice to the immortal romantic songs in the movies, making a normal actor to a legend. We even come across the legendary name of the actor marked in grandeur naming the streets, the community, and some even go to an extent of worshipping him for the characters the actor portrayed. When the actor was put into the test of his lifetime, the whole city stood still, forcibly by those who saw him beyond as a normal being. The roads were blocked, shops closed down, schools and colleges shut down, riots unveiled in every corner of the city and media working on their toes to showcase his sufferings. News spread from city to nations, people from every sector giving their condolences. There were numerous offerings given to the God for the actor’s wellbeing. Even the politician didn’t let their hands off and made a mockery of the entire situation. Finally the tough time bowed down and opened the gates to the actor’s safety. He was safe, walked out heroically from his troubles and was again treated kingly for his success.

Meanwhile there was another soul, whose career came to a halt as his voice would no suit anyother actor other than the legendary actor himself. However, to his fate, the actor had chosen to sing for himself in all of his movies.

The actor lived to his name, but the voice who gave us the songs was lost in the race. He chose a life of anonymity, for that was far better than seeing his career buried. But he’d still not let go his possession. He’d still wear the Mysore turban and the silk shawl given in honor of his talent. He sought a life which saw him sitting by the corner in one of the city’s old restaurants, sipping a hot cup of coffee and nothing else. He sat hours together, scribbling on his book with shaky hands. There were lots of people visiting the place and they failed to even acknowledge his presence. He’d sometime walk into a gathering and put forth a request to allow him to sing.

He is remembered occasionally for his songs by those people who respected the talent. However, the count is handful. They’d come to him, reminding him of the songs which had touched them in several ways. On their request he ended up singing couple of lines for them. And he was treated with yet another coffee. A mere way of showing their respect to him, but they failed to see the tears rolling down his eyes. He was not meant to be here, he was meant to be a legend by himself. But who’d listen to him. Isn’t it the society’s rule that someone will be remembered only in their absence? He is not remembered in 2nd half of his life, and doubtfully will not be remembered even in his absence.

He is walking the path of loosing an identity, and yet he is so alive, sitting by the corner of his favorite table. Cup of coffee still cold as his thoughts were for now. Lost in his thoughts, his tired eyes caught up with some sleep. When the hotel was to shut down for the day, he got up, took his belongings – a torn umbrella to beat the heat, a newspaper, a diary, pocket full of pens and cheap plastic covers which supposedly had his bare essentials. The table might see him again the next day, if he survived to walk for another cup of coffee.

He walked himself out of the table into the road of darkness. He deserved a better position and state of living, but destiny had his say on the singer’s life.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


People meet in unexpected circumstances, with unexpected emotions, and with unexpected future. However, when the circumstances pool in for an expected beginning, people foray into unexpected ways of opening up.


ever heard of silence in motion


Monday, October 01, 2007

Complicated Mind

Mind is one’s universe, crafting to every foreseen and unforeseen situations. It’s the comfort level we, the better part of the species, are relaxing on every moment with the foreseen situations. But unforeseen situations demands for a realistic approach, established and matured mind to take over.

Our living is encountered with several of these situations. Many of which we would have anticipated and geared for its acceptance. Some of which we fear and discard its notion until its arrival. However, there are those situations which strikes like a thunder and leave a remarkable remembrance in our life time. How does our mind accommodate such a situation; always remained a question in my mind.

We open our eyes to the daylight. Mechanically mind begins to strike each of the activities on its completion; bathroom – ticked, coffee – ticked, paper – ticked, breakfast – ticked, ironing clothes – ticked, getting ready – ticked….. One is so used to this typical arrangement that mind is automatically tuned to its actions. If one of these activities in the “to do list” goes out of gear- an unwanted disturbance shows up in the day to day rhythm. Our actions are dominated by irritation, snubbing, inability to concentrate and whole lot of psychological mood swings. But still this seems to be so normal in terms of leading our rhythmic flow of life. It is when we confront a situation so unimagined; that we become numb, to an extent that our mind halts its regular functioning.

Citing an experience on an early morning, I was shocked to know that my best friend’s father passed away. Unexpected as it seemed, but the feeling of loosing someone is dreadful, especially when that someone was around in all walks of my friend’s life, from the initial walk to the walk in the aisle. That someone was to hold his grandchildren’s hands as well and teach them the very first footsteps. And all of a sudden the world became blank and he was just a photograph hung amidst the swelling emotions. The clock stopped working for him and continued for others to accept the reality of his invisible state of being. I could hear my friend loosing his breath whilst confirming the news and all I could sense was his helplessness commanding his very voice. He was shattered and for the first time ever his emotions became more audible, the tears rolled down while the voice crumbled with fears. I could only imagine his state of being. A day planned with regular activities but confronted with unforeseen situation.

It is when my mind started exploring the possibilities of the so called unforeseen situations and the repercussions of it in our very own lives.

How do we react when our worst fears come face to face?

How do we convince ourselves that the one present moment ago will ever be a memory?

How do we accept the twists that jerk our way of living?

How do we pick ourselves from the devastated moment to a stronger position?

Our mind is the controller of all our activities, but still when it faces an unforeseen situation, it is usually the heart that takes control in the initial stages until it looses out to the emotions. And then the complicated mind takes over acting like a weaver, joining the intricacies and preparing for the stage beyond the moment.

Somewhere mind knows that this too is a phase and shall pass.

Sound of the Silence

A beautiful thought put forth by a friend of mine.

"No sound in this world can be more louder than silence.
And if anyone cannot understand your silence,
they can never understand your words"

Thank you there!


Life never gives what you lost...
And keeps reminding you of the value that goes with the lost.

However, Life will give you a chance so that you do realize what you could loose and learn the value of it beforehand.

Humans seldom understand this aspect and overlook it all the time.