Wednesday, July 31, 2013

White Noise

So he says “Let’s talk man to man” to her……  

“ I have seen you so close that I dint hesitate to mutter my mind out. I saw every aspect of you that came along you as a person - the breezy laughter that I heard; the ambiguous answer that was uttered; the conscious attempt of ignoring of being spoken to, but still acknowledge it in your mind; the sudden flight of distant thought of what’s going on with your life; the amicable gesture of seeing me as someone; the cuddly embrace of your geeky smiles to something I mutter off; the call of a friendship when you needed someone to just listen to your mind; explosion of your desires yet to be achieved; sudden burst of excitement with small thrills of your life; depth of a conversation with minds disclosure on serious notes; a silent cry of a heel breaking off while you swayed to your dance classes; innocence of sharing your most personal thoughts; the juggle and balance of your timely insane surroundings; the patience off living through my stupidity; the part of caring if I ate something that day; those times of shouting at why am I not to be heard off; so on and on and on…  

Somewhere in this interaction, I started expressing with the first attempt to speak out. Fumbling with my attempt, it was an explosion which was not gauged. With my own fears of being understood, I still ventured into unknown horizon. It felt true to me of telling you my feelings, yet though, still seen as black and white. To me it was a nurture to color it with your thoughts and response. As they say, it was a bazooka of opening up………… sheesh what an unforeseen portrayal. In the right stride, I assumed its ok, as it was me telling you in my own ways of what I see things as.  

It seems, every thing has a response and that is something which I dint see it quite clear. A touch of a pendulum, swings to the other side and comes to you; a boomerang always comes back to your jumpy hand; a stretched band always recoils to its inception; but all these were just left as attributes which felt only logical and not in action when there was no response to my explosion of views. Something was missing.  

With the quite small brains, not sure it did work properly as the melody was ruling my heart, I was trying to decipher, but to no avail. So I was left thinking aloud what was it, that was missing. As I understood, I am not the creator of these feelings and thus I can’t understand the reaction to it as much, I left it aside with a pinch of salt.  

But you know, such things don’t leave you so soon, it’s a like a ghost of a loving partner who wants to cling onto you forever even if you try to move on. So the thoughts embraced my world of mind’s normalcy analyzing what was missing. I would end up having another conversation with you if I speak more of it. So let’s leave at that.  

Somewhere on the path, I flinched. I kept to myself of what to tell you, of what to express, of what to let out and I became more conscious, forcefully. I suppose, this is just a nature of survival, as it seemed.  

Somewhere it seemed, you just wanted to see me here but not take me home. I recoiled to my state of mind, which was streaming faster than light. Let it be the way it is, I said to myself; let it be as it wasn’t meant to be.  

Process thus evolved, I convinced myself, its ok not to get what you see, it is more important that you told what was meant to be told – rest was left to the recipient and to destiny.  

And that’s when I started becoming invisible, dissolving slowly into the chaotic calms of a whirlpool. Accepting the part that whatever happens, happens for good.  

You will never realize this process of dissolution until one day you acknowledge it. But then that day when you come along, I will still be myself as all I have to offer is that pure expression of speaking my mind out and expressing it with my nibbles. That’s me, I told myself, that’s just me – but then can I be my real self, well time will tell and I hope it remains the same.  

It looked like, you dint need to adopt another feeling in your phase of life, just that that feeling was relayed from my end with blissful innocence. Time will tell, when it wisheth to be spoken. Until then this ambiguity of white noise will prevail.  

White Noise – an absolute tranquility in commotion – for now its all white painted with noise all around, but then as they say, it’s just a notion of being alive.  

I will see you, I know; I will hear you, I know; I will respond to you, I know; I will react to you, I know; I will acknowledge you, I know; but will you ever see the white noise, that, that something is which I don’t know. But it’s ok. It’s all ok as it is not meant to be heard off.  

Tomorrow is a new day, and it will bring forth a new perspective. Until then, it is me, you and this white noise who will play the opera of singing out in high notes. Let’s just enjoy this moment as it is made available. For you never know, what comes tomorrow along with.  

It seems as the wise old man says “the flower bud can only bloom with enough warmth from sunrays, the minute there’s cloud of uncertainty looming over in the sky, the flower bud just embraces an early death without showing its true nature of being appreciated and so it seems are the expressions and feelings… unless they have been acknowledged and spoken off, they never take off the road to fly high”  


And so he says “Lets talk man to man” to her.  

She will not even realize Molly, the Indian country pup could speak so much as she visited him everytime in the adoption centre. For her, it was a cute, charming pup who was seen as he was. But for him, he was willingly wishful that she takes him home to a dreamland where he would love her everytime, everywhere. He would follow her like a song in the desert, but never would leave her in her vain. He would eagerly wait for her footsteps as she would enter the gate. He would nibble around her minds thoughts as she would enter the door. He would make her at ease as she sat down by the recliner, just with the touch, just with the embrace and just with his woof woof…. She will never know, woof meant more than woof. Alas, if only one could understand what a pup had to say, it’s the best friend one could ever have.  

“Love is not necessarily to be seen, but it’s with such small gestures that one realizes, wish they could see it in real. But the beauty of love, is always felt, just that the heart and eyes have to open for it”