Ode to SICKO

Once upon a time wise old man, as fictitious as he can be in my mind, did say; the society is judged by the way it treats the underprivileged and not necessarily by the count of high raised buildings and glamour it can carry off. Never did I imagine I’d confront the emotional variations of the so said above.

Late afternoon, a day in Nairobi, I happened to watch this documentary by Michael Moore called the SICKO. Started off as a feature of America’s health care policies and went off to a traumatizing revelation of how the policies affect the lower bottom of the society who all they seek is to be taken care off at their worst of the conditions.

It wonders a normal mind, how is that policies of such a stature, as stated by the government, could be against the living society. Let me give you a glimpse of the same as I go by.

The feature starts off with a normal American’s life woven around the health policy. It spells, how much expensive the medication can prove to be whilst you still pay the taxes as quoted by the government for the betterment of society. One pays a hefty amount to get a policy which includes no compensation if at all you have one of the million diseases as listed in their governance. Now by chance you encounter any of those against the listed scene, you end up being hospitalized and waiting till eternity to be served the deserved.

Following on to different countries, Mr. Moore goes on to explore how the health policies make or break a person’s life. Touring to France, he faces the shock of his life, where he learns that the hospitalization doesn’t cost a bit if you chose to hit the hospitals. For example, if you are sick with some reasons, you are attended to immediately by the expertise where they’d cater to your basic essentials without bothering how much dough you carry around. The motto is very simple, serve the one who knocks on your door, irrespective of their social stature of being privileged or not. As simple as that.

More to add, France has a policy that if you work beyond 35 hrs in a week, you get compensated with those many hrs of leave by the employer as a RULE. One gets to take off for mandatory 5 weeks vacation no matter what. If you happen to be a lady and pregnant, you get to have 6 months of paid vacation and 6 months of unpaid leave but you can still resume your work after 1 year with no hinges. If one falls sick, depending on ones circumstances, the doctor seeks the patient’s mindset of willing to resume his work. If one quotes of say 3 months break to heal from the illness, it is so be it. Doctor signs off a advice to the employer that the employee will be off for the next 3 months on medical grounds and the employee gets paid 65% of the pay by the government and 35% by the employer so to ensure he gets his full 100% pay and yet time to recover and recoup for his immediate future. Beat that for compensation!!!

Moving on to London, Mr. Moore heads to a local hospital which is run by the National Health Policy. If you are sick, you are embraced immediately by the hospital to its best of the services and best of all you don’t pay a penny for the services. You are given the best of the class health care and treated respectably. Mr. Moore hunts for a department which actually charges for the services and disappointingly finds none. However, he does spot a cashier cabin and is thrilled to know the hidden cost that one may dismiss. To his disappointment, he learns the cashier cabin is the one where the patients get paid rather than paying for the services. Seriously noted, the patients can get their money back in this department for their travel expenses and not in turn pay for the hospitals services. Now here is the best part. As quoted earlier, the hospital is run by National Health Policy so the doctors actually work for the government. Now imagine, being a government servant, one could possibly imagine their life to be livable. But challenge your thoughts as the doctor in interview drove around an Audi with a million dollar apartment all by himself to his family and had no debts whatsoever.

Now one would imagine how a normal doctor gets to live such a lavish life. Here was the unbelievable part, the doctor in question was on general practioner and his compensation revolved around how many patients he would heal from their blood pressures, habits of quitting smoking and drinking and leading a normal life. His perks actually depended on the counts of patients he succeeded to heal from the abnormality! The doctor gets paid 85000 pounds annually, all health care taken care off for his immediate family and the pension in question would run more than 100000 pounds for his security. He posed a life of luxury one could imagine for his belief. With 2 state of the class cars, apartment one would die for, yet serving the society to its privilege. When asked a question would he love working in the states, he replied, why would I, when I am doing the best to the society and being compensated equally. Point well taken!

Mr. Moore, to believe more on the government and its health care policy, moved on to meet the American families that lived in the city. On the table served with some fantastic wine and dinner, he was facing 9 families from varied sectors. To his shock, they all had the same story how life is so different from the ones they saw back in States. Disclosing me to his shock, they spoke of the government actually hiring a nanny to the women who were pregnant. Nanny would come twice a week to the houses and do their laundries and cooking and helping the ladies during their pregnancy and post pregnancy. The individuals dint have to pay anything for the services. Beat that! Which government would pay for Nannies for the services as needed by the expected mothers! None that I know until I saw the documentary.

Best part of the entire Health Care, your prescriptions comes for 6.65 pounds and nothing more. The price is inclusive of no of prescriptions that the doctor gives. 1 aspirin or 100 aspirins or the most expensive medication of the terminal illness, the price remains the same.

Moving back to Canada, Mr. Moore sat by the table in a hotel which served best of the stakes. Along with him were his distant relatives who’d been Canadians since the time they knew that existed. The couple in their late 80’s spoke about how Canada’s Health Policy did save their life to a large extent. Canada, as one knows is right across the river that separates it from America. However, the separation is studied more beyond the geographical extent. It is all together, in different terms that one could possibly associate with. There, if one falls sick, he could just walk into the hospital without any consultants of the Health Policies to know if the hospital was listed under their cover. One could choose their own doctors without dictation. That was absolutely new to Mr. Moore from America and quite shocking as well from his learned past.

Where Mr. Moore came from, one had to 1st consult their Health Policy consultant for their state of affairs and then go to the listed Hospitals for their limited services. Anything beyond as quoted in the Health Policy would be ones own expense, and believe them, the expenses are mountain high.

An incident as told by a Canadian, drew my attention to the possible expenses one would bear with. Upon a time, he was holidaying in US of America where he was enjoying one afternoon playing golf. As the acknowledged golfers swear by, there are times when they get the golf’s hinge and hurt their arms with a bulging pout. So called, the golfers arm, the nerve that winds your biceps muscle with the forearm, flips by and you face a traumatic experience of a pain that hurls around from your arm to the chest. So it did for the vacationer, that it almost spoiled his family’s time out of Canada.

When he was off to one of the prestigious hospitals, he was derived with a shock to acknowledge that the bill was amounting to more than $24,000. He chose to live in the pains and move back to Canada, to be adequately treated, as respectably as possible, in his homeland. Surprisingly he was treated with the best of the possibilities and least of the amount, if I may say so, the amount was null.

Now what separates the river flowing by, that it caters to such and advancement. Wonder wildly, it is the mere separation of the government rule that spells by. Hardly an evidence to the ruling dictum, one sees a total life altogether.

Back in USA, Mr. Moore, stops by a lane, where one often sees a vision of being abandoned by the roads when he fails to cater to the hospital services. Unbelievable, so to say, it is disgusting to realize the hospital authorities abandon the patients so secluded, to the lanes where they can find their healing to the future. Fortunately, there was an establishment, which actually catered for these abandoned patients by the streets to be nurtured to their best healing abilities.

An exclusive interview with one of the patients who was left so far to her destiny and accepted whole heartedly by the institution, it revealed the kinda work the establishment was involved with. A lady, in her late 70’s was diagnosed of being struck with a terminal illness of leukemia. Unfortunately she had no close by’s to support her through the turmoil. As had inadequate capacity to pay her expenses, she was left stranded by the road. But for an angel disguised in a nurse’s capabilities who helped her way through the institution, she was indeed been taken care off after all. In a surprising interview with the head of the doctor of the earlier hospital, he had the audacity to comment that she was abandoned as she was unable to pay the hospital expenses. Aren’t doctors trained to help the needy and sick ones? What happened to the oath he took as a graduate to be there when the patient wants him the most, what happened to the desire that made him to be a doctor in the 1st place and worst of all what happened to the humanity that he was born with? How could one abandon a Leukemia patient, or matter of fact any patient when they can’t afford to pay the hospital bills. Haven’t they heard of Mother Teresa??? Don’t they have something called sympathy within? What would they do when they are not in a position to pay the hospital bills and treated the same way as they do?? It drives me crazy to realize that money is the mother of all and will still be treated to be one so.

When the lady in pain was asked more questions she went to reveal how confused and shattered she was. One fine morning she was woken up by the nurses and asked to pack bags. Not realizing what was happening, she did so and then she was escorted to a cab where none spoke anything. The cab halted by a lonely road where the institution was located, she didn’t understand what was going on. Then the cab driver told her to get down and take care of herself. As she got down, she dint know where she was and was left alone on the cold streets by some cold human beings who least respected those in need. The footage on the camera captured her wandering for the next 10 minutes being clueless, one for being left alone and second for being disoriented due to her heavy medication.

All she was left with was the unknown fear, least that she could battle with her ongoing misery of leukemia. The tears never faded from her eyes through the entire interview. How could one possibly resist not binging to those emotions? But we still had many of them like the Head of hospital for whom all that mattered was money!

SICKO then moved on to the most traumatic experience of 9/11 rescue workers.

Seeing back to 9/11, one of the biggest shocks of the world (well quoted so by the United of States of America) and one believe it to be the most (neglecting the worst that was ever witnessed). Nonetheless not challenging the Big Ben’s rule of declaration, the documentary turns out to be one helluva experience from the ground level, especially as quoted politically by the great American, Mr. Moore (must admit I have become a crazy fan of his with the work that he has done)

There were many who battled the terrorists attack on the twin tower; from the state officials to the layman. They worked months together to excavate the victims from the debris; the pain barely being extinguished while the fire mellowed down.

Regina, John, Dona were few of those who volunteered themselves for the 9/11 rescue and dint expect anything in return. They struggled through days and nights months together to ensure the fear was minimized amongst the public. The work involved with ensuring the patients were taken to safety in the ambulances, they were treated well, dig the ground zero to excavate more bodies, etc. they were never directed what to do and never thought of doing it for some returns in the future. But to their dismay they never realized what would happen to them.

The feature talks about how the 9/11 rescue workers were diagnosed with health problems relating to respiratory issues, mental stability, etc. Regina turned out to have acute respiratory problems where she ended up barely able to breathe and had to go through continuous torture of coughing. Then America declared true heroes of 9/11 – the rescue workers who came forward to offer a helping hand – the fire department, the cops, etc, etc. Likes of Regina were lost in the crowd for their contribution to the society. They were neglected and still battling with the illness they got along being part of the rescue team.

Now comes the crux of the story - Regina, was forced to quit her job as her health conditions were not favoring her work. She could barely have a peaceful sleep as the condition got worse. In return, the government din’t do anything to rescue her. Her health policy dint do much either. She was forced to move out of New York and relocate to the outer part of the city as she could barely keep up with her expenses. She had 2 kids to take care off and all her savings went by in taking care of medical bills and kids education. There was no inflow of money of whatsoever. When she approached the 9/11 rescue compensation she was declined several times. The medical bills just kept shooting up like never imagined.

John on the other hand had developed a serious case of lung issues. He was treated, mind you on his own expenses, for most of the days with several medications. He could barely be out of his artificial respiratory equipment.

Dona, suffered with mental trauma and was diagnosed with acute migraine the worst of her several medical conditions. She was forced to move into her daughter’s basement popping at least 9 medications everyday.

Sadly there were countless of Regina’s, John and Dona.

Mr. Moore got to learn that America’s Health Policy was doing no good for America and wanted to explore one place at least in the country where medication was free. Surprisingly he found one at last. It was none other than Guantanamo Bay where the deadliest of terrorists were held!!!

The terrorists who threatened USA and were now part of the G Bay were treated with state of the art medical facilities that were being charged with atrocious amount to the Americans. Difficult to digest? So was it for me. The medical facility in the prison catered to every need of the prisoners and the best of all they dint have to pay a penny. At times I wonder, would Regina, John and Dona had to be the terrorists so to claim the medical expenses rather than being rescue workers? Sadly, will never get an answer for that.

Mr. Moore decided to do something for the rescue workers. One fine morning, he gathered many of the rescue workers and took them in a boat to G Bay. Well not exploring the details of how he managed to go to G Bay, he finally landed in Cuba. He then dared to go close to the G Bay periphery and called out for help to treat the rescue workers. His words were – “I am here with the 9/11 rescue workers who need medical attention not more and not less than those who were the core of 9/11 terrorism. Please let me through”. For obvious reason to the US Government his calls were not entertained and answered to. He had no choice but to return. But the medical conditions of the rescue workers were getting worse. So he decided to take them to the Guantanamo city. Nothing but surprise awaited his entry.

Cuba as most would recall was one of the countries which America saw as a threat and was branded evil. Fidel Castro still remains notorious in the history as quoted by USA. I am choosing to restrain myself on the political view of Cuba and USA and move on to Mr. Moore’s perspective.

Mr. Moore remembered of his childhood days where Cubans were treated as a threat and would come and kill Americans. So long, he knew them for the identity as told to him. As a child he was asked to be careful with the Cubans and was advised to be away from them for his own good.

However, he encountered a different Cuba altogether. Cubans actually assisted Mr. Moore and his teams with the local medical stores and the nearby hospitals.

When Mr. Moore and the rescue workers went to one of the medical stores, they were shocked to find out the cost of a breathing pump for respiratory problems was 5 cents whereas in USA Regina ended up paying $150 each pump!!!

However, Regina was asked to get the prescription from the local hospital and was advised by the attendant in the medical store, of a very reputed hospital close by.

When the entire group went to the local hospital, all they were asked to disclose was their names and DOB and did not have to consult any Health Care consultant, be referred to a listed service by the Health Care Policy and not even show their identity. The hospital solely believed in one aspect, the patients came to them for assistance and it is their responsibility to treat them humanly irrespective of their nationality.

The entire group was admitted into the hospital and they were treated with the best to their imagination. They were advised of their ailments and prescribed accordingly. Dona was taken off from 5 medications out of her 9. John was diagnosed with acute Bronchitis and was further advised to go for different scans.

It was nerve wrecking when the undiscovered real heroes of 9/11 were actually relying on their neighbors when it came to actual rescue. They were treated with dignity, respect and humanity. They dint have to bother about their medical bills as they were once been part of the rescue team saving lives. One could hardly imagine the flow of emotions that they experienced when they were treated the way they deserved. Regina had tears in her when she heard that they don’t have to be worried about anything. It was very depressing to watch them when they hugged the doctors and cried like babies.

On their way back from hospitals, the local fire department learnt of their arrival and invited them to visit the department. When the rescue team arrived to the location they were greeted with an ovation by all the officers. The officers went on to speak about how grateful they were to have the rescue team who actually worked in Ground Zero. The scene was moving to be watched. The rescue team was given sweat shirts with the Cuban fire department logo and a heartfelt hug from the officers.

Now USA considers Cuba to be a threat to their nation. But for the rescue team, it hardly took anytime to realize who the real threat was. Americans to their fellow Americans? - Hardly a difficult answer to the layman.

What amuses me is the decision of a country to provide security to those who threatened the very soul of the country. Infact the cost of ensuring the terrorists safety ran into millions. And for USA it was fairly well considered to spend such in millions as they were the terrorists! G Bay was one of the exclusive places so to say.

It so is the same with every country when it comes to securing the terrorists in prison. Ajmal Kasab, the sole terrorist who was caught during the 26/11 terrorist attack in India was highly protected prisoner – reason he killed many people and terrorized the nation. The cost to ensure his security was somewhere around 30 lakhs in a month, the last I followed months ago. I found no reason to follow such news when the country decides it is ok to spend such a huge amount on a terrorist rather than killing him. At times, democracy threatens the nation more than it ensures safety.

But how can I comment, likes of me are the one with least knowledge of political views. However, all I know and realize is the need of a miracle to be more of a human that we actually are and strength and courage to stand for what we think is right.

Do I have it? Do you have it? Does anybody have it? What does it take for a normal human being to stand out and fight against the atrocities that the governments rules? Remains a mystery!

It is a defeated fight when all one does is read, comment and not ACT!

When will there be sunshine? When one can remain fearless to those who dictate their terms to the mass!

A revolution is what is needed. Not the kinds to get fame, but the kinds which is heart felt. It need not necessarily be with full of blood but should necessarily be from the bleeding heart.

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Inorexia

Aham who what I was,
Aham who what I am, and
Aham who what I will be.


In the deepest dark inwardness of the self acclaim there lies underneath a surprising truth of destiny; for what you believe is what is to be seen of. From the essence of what is lived for, there is a transformation of reality; drawing its boundary from the realms of innermost fears to the outermost visibility. For now; it is seen as the significance of the ability to the portrayal of what one knows to what is taken to be known of. This, as the wise old man recalls, is the magnificent enlightenment of the selfish desire to be seen as what is intended to be seen of.

Defining the outermost circle, what one needs is not the fictitious aura of his presence but more of the hidden dilemmas that he intends to break the silence. Upon the times break, he rises above the horizon of the dreams and reality; marking his presence, more than the mere existence, to that of the real existence. Transformation, thus far proven to be ground breaking takes a whole new perspective when the reminiscence of the mislead identity breaks even with the real known only to him. Hidden masks casts away to the fall of the straying winds, disclosing the real self, only to be known as he who is what he is for.

Unfrozen from the lightening struck, he is taken above from the fears of unknown to the realistic vision of what can be acquainted. Mind you oh body of limited existence, acquainted only to the extent of the minds capacity. Fallen from the fallacy of what was believed, until so far, he rises beyond the magical attire of the dictated truth. For now, he is seen to be the real self, failing to the charm of what the world wants to see him as, but winning against the odds of what the world wishes to see him off.

As the surreal image falls back on the reflection of the self seen, it is the unseen realistic choir of melodies what one hopes to listen whilst the tranquility still prevails. Believe oh soul of envisaged portrayal, you are who you are and you are to be seen what you are.

Underlying the dictation of the living past, one seeks a whole new side of the minds view where all it takes is to confront the fear of the innermost to downsizing its visibility. For you oh mine, fear not; for all it takes is to embrace the living life to envision the real soul. Thence on, you live by the rules that forays the outcome of your own spirituality to a stage where all it matters is to be the real you.
Mindsets faces the block on the way, but thou not shatter to its existence as what is needed is the courage to confront more than the face to challenge it. Persistence in your own belief is the key to the game as seen. Don’t you rely on, mind o mind, don’t you rely on the moment of shifting your thoughts from what was lead to what is to be believed. The mask is awaiting to be foregone, only if you succumb to the brightness of what it can bring you with. Life, my sweetness, life is nothing but the reality of what is to be accepted and not about being prejudgemental.

Ahem, as the wise old man believes; it is in ones own interest to shed off the tears of the blacken mould, to resurface what was once hidden. For it takes more than acceptance of ones inner self, to the mere acknowledgement of the significant presence. Deep lieth in between is the undiscounted aspect of persistence over existence. Smile o mind o mine, smile as it is now the time to break the living led. You, oh my sweetness, are the real part of the living self, to be seen beyond the skin’s presence.

Aham who what I was,
Aham who what I am, and
Aham who what I will be.

For anything else, it is just a mystery which the wise old man unfolds with his very words.

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Mute Defines Differently

Sometimes silence is the best way of telling YES and sometimes silence is the best way of telling NO

Only the questioning heart and the answering heart can understand.... For the rest of the world its MUTE



Sensible Quote

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......

Silence in settlement.

One asks oneself, what is it that is pending to be settled?

Ask your silence, it may answer what you crave for.

But do ask sincerely, cos it responds to honesty:)

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pacing momentum

“Down the river path way,

“Down the river path way, I stand overhead a penetrating bliss. A mirrored image cropping the flowing serenity pinches the reality. Not again, but again I stand destitute to the same magnum. Here I am, playing the villain to a solemn serenity and ruptured claim, I stand here head on once again. Call it the kiss of the black widow, I breathe while I still die an unfolding death swelling with emotions that just puts me as another villain. I say, it’s me and nothing but me. It’s me and this what is it is. The gamble of emotions lost to the dice of solicits. Here I am an apparent painting of an penniless artist”


“Now that I stand here, I see, apart from the separation, I see what I stand for. Invariable with the decibel on what it says of me, I stand here with a multiple visions of what I can make a difference to. A life more precious than its self realization, more worthy than its own worthiness, more worthy than its own acclaim. I sense the justification that hovers around the reality. A smile, not that it comes naturally, but a smile which may recall of the right actions in the coming years. Loss is something which I’m accustomed to, but a gain in perpetual is what I know. Ever wondered how it feels to be in the sleepy hollow?

I start my story, unreliable to what it is sought after.

I do, strongly feel for the one, only succumbing to the reality that what one is for what is not seen for.

Ahem, call me the solitude of being an essence; I face you for your acclaim,

I stand your will, to look for what you will. Just a suggestion, know what it is, for I may be beyond what you will.

Complicated?

Ahaan? Get into reality. See what you don’t see. I am here living those for what you don’t see.

Psst: for those who claim to know me - alas, see something beyond what you perceive; I stand alive with flesh and bone.

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rush

Panting...


phew...


a rush
crazy one at it
a rush
pushing all aside
a rush
pulsing through
a rush

a rush
cannot hold it back any more

a rush
a rush

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Voila :)

My BEST friends wedding

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Remind me of this day

Boooooooom.......

remind me of this day when i was felt to be more responsible.

remind me o' mine,
remind me cos i may not,
remind me of everything,

remind me of those i can, which i will, and surely i shall,
remind me of this day when i did, what i can, more than u did expect,

remind me o' mine,
remind me cos i may not,
remind me of everything.

P.S: . .... ...
i shall remind you so :)

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In Hibernation...... for the BIG picture

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Happy Father's Day

Advertisements flashed all over in the newspaper. Father’s day on the cards, celebrate in style - make it special for the one who held your hand and made you stand up in life. Surprise the person with this and that…..

It didn’t connect to me for 2 simple reasons (which invariably is a space for new discussion).

Firstly, I didn’t deal with father’s emotion throughout my childhood. My mother was one and all for me. I used to switch her role (which she successfully played along) from mother to father and vice versa when the situation called for respectively.

Secondly, I am yet not a father. So there would be nothing to spare my words on this say.

So why the hell on earth am I writing on this Fathers day??? A question definitely pondering my own mind but is filled with a reason.

Lazing the entire day, I was lying on my recliner watching the Sunday movie showcase.
It was a boring Sunday as I was unable to walk out of the house for my health conditions. So I had to restrict my freedom outside the house. That meant no smokes! That meant no junk food! And that also meant more irritation!!

My nephew was all dressed up and he went along with his mother for their routine shopping spree. That called for me to baby sit my niece. Having no qualms about it, I held my niece in my arms and was totally lost in her expressions. She made the weirdest of the expressions, patiently posed to my passion on photography, hummed along with my tunes, grasped my finger and started nibbling around. Well, biologically I was in no state to cater to her needs and had to feed her using the spoon. She kept me engaged for the next few minutes keeping me wondering on her appetite. She felt hungry every half hour and all that she was destined to was the milk. I thanked my stars to my wide range of taste buds which relished on the different offerings and the choices I had.

Once she was done with her stomach full, I had to pat her back to make her burp. And she would only consider that to be a game and started rocking on my lap. A word of her games, as she is made to sit on anyone’s lap, she starts rocking front and back instantly, and the one is expected to sing “aane banthondu aane” – “elephant, came one elephant” (undeniable that the translation fails to narrate the actual essence).

I spent a good few hours with my niece while my mother made gulab jaamun’s in the kitchen. (Revealing a secret – while I am sick, I come with up no of demands to feed my stomach and gulab jaamun was today’s pick after the pakoras I emptied). And my sister was happily shopping along with my nephew in some part of the city.

It dint take long for my niece to sleep on my chest, making me realize as to how peaceful it can be when kids are all around one’s presence. With the dying entertainment on TV, I put my eyes to sleep along with my niece.

“Mera naam chin chin choo” the door bell woke me up from my sleep. A special mention on bollywood’s influence in our day to day life - my door bell came with assorted list of songs from the bollywood flicks. One being “Mera naam chin chin choo”.

My nephew ran to me, hugged and handed over a gift pack. Placing a peck on my forehead, he sweetly smiled and said “Happy Father’s Day!”

Expressions failed me as usual and I was stuck with a blank face. (Special mention of my kinds – I fit into that part of the species who need a life long class on being expressive to situations) This was my weak link and I failed to achieve this time as well. I was speechless and was gasping for breath. I did feel something for sure, whether it was with my health reasons or the so called emotions running down the spine. But I posed a look which was cut off by my sister with an explanation -

“You do so much for these kids, treating them to be of your own. This was a way of expressing their regards of your presence in their life. Be proud to be called a father and feel free to treat them the way you want. I have officially given you the liberties”

Guess with those words, no one needs anything else to break down. I refused to express again and left a smile covering my emotions. Words failed to come out, I hugged them in return and left the room for not able to control anymore. It was time for me to take a bath. Recollecting the wise old man’s say – “Reasons can convince one’s ego at various circumstances”

“Happy father’s day!”

The advertisements flashed in my mind. It left me wondering, is this what makes a father - feel to be one?

I came out of the bathroom, feeling fresh and all energized, walked into the living room only to face my sister holding my niece and diapers in the other hand. Smile on her face spoke the untold words.

“This is what takes a father - feel to be one”

Like the wise old man says – “You don’t have to be someone to feel something. Life gives you many instances calling for those emotions which are felt the same way as being someone”

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Puppy Love matured due course

“Vande Mataram…..
……………………..
……………………
…………Vande Mataram”

The song inspired in different ways to the hearts of the millions. For me it was another song talking of the nation. It was the song to be listened to every morning during the school prayers and it meant the same - every day, every year. Back in the school days it was more of compulsion that one is expected to listen to it with full attention. However, all those who grew up from the school days, would sync their thoughts with me when I speak of compulsion being overpowered by our own time of day dreaming. It is during the morning prayers in the school that our mind forays into diverse aspects while our lips still act the compulsion – just to please those maniacs waiting for every chance to prove their hold of power on us – PT master and the school teachers.

Through the years, I grew up listening to the same song and saw one of the similar mornings whilst being a student of Class X. It was that phase of life when we started understanding the power of opposite gender while feeling the million butterflies in our stomach. The phase of infatuation, crush, puppy love, etc, etc, etc and one always believed that it was all about LOVE.

It was one of the beautiful January mornings and indeed was truly a mesmerizing day. The cool breeze swayed the trees gently. The leaves fell from the surrounding trees as though they had specially been called to be part of the grandeur play for the day. The warm sunlight showed its presence thus successful in creating a warm feeling within. In short the morning fulfilled every criterion to be called as a beautiful romantic morning. And then….

“Vande Matharam….Vande Matheram…”

It was a familiar voice being echoed in the ground. However that morning it sounded with more appeal. The voice somehow made a connection to my heart and my eyes started focusing on the source of the angelic voice. She stood there on the elevated platform and gave her full justice for the morning remembering the nation’s pride. Something, somehow and somewhere it made sense to me that I wanted her to be part of my life. Well this is exactly what happens when Cupid, who was asleep for most of my life till then, suddenly wanted to shower his presence to me to believe his existence. So I believed, but I wanted to be part of her life listening to her singing my entire life.

Thus started my 1st love story; owing to that January morning.

I dint know who she was, nor did I ever see her before in the school campus. But from that day onwards all I wanted to know was Her - her thoughts, her likes, dislikes what she dreamt of, etc, etc, etc. I wanted to know all about her and it became evident to my friends around of my sudden interest.

What I came to know was satisfying. The worst fear for anyone who is stuck in the webby trap is whether the one they dream of has anyone whom they dream about. She was single. Thank God for that, but I had helluva competition. She was one of the best singers in the school, and what more she was a trained dancer and one of the studious lot in her class. We were in the same grade but different sections – thus both of us were of the same age. This mattered a lot to me as my thoughts were ranging from taking her to my mom and spending my time till the death bed and beyond. (Re-emphasizing on the unknown difference between puppy love and love)
She had a group of friends, like everyone else. They did everything together from eating, playing to hanging out.

Now I had a task in hand. How do I make myself visible to her and what should be the approach? Clueless. As I never was in such a situation and dint have any idea how anyone would approach and make them appear as the best guy ever. Hmmm…

She liked – music and singing. I nominated myself for a singing competition just to show her that I hail from a family full of singers. I practiced quite a bit for the competition and the day came when I was sitting in one of the corners and she walks upto the stage to give her performance. Result – I was spell bound. She wasn’t Lata Mangeshkar, but she was herself to me and I loved every bit of the song and her voice. And then I heard my name being called and I refused to react to the name given to me by my mother. The call for my name repeated thrice and an announcement was made – “those who can’t sing, request them to not nominate themselves” Thud!!! Attempt for the 1st impression failed miserably, but I was still glad that she dint know me to face the embarrassment.

I learnt that she went for her singing classes after school hours. Well I cant obviously join her singing classes as I dint fit into their requirement quite right. So the next option was the Veena class that was held right next door. A thought crossed my mind, atleast I can join Veena class and get to see her. I enrolled myself going against my uncle and dint inform my friends of the same. (A special mention of the ways men behave when it comes to impressing someone. They’d go to any length to impress someone but will always keep that as a secret to their friends – reason - they don’t want to be called as the guy who’l give up spending time with his friends and instead go to some music class to impress a girl)

The music class was really an opening to whole new world, as from there, I developed a special interest towards playing instruments, which I manage to play at times off late. However, joining the Veena class was a huge success as she noticed me coming for the classes and started exchanging smiles. But we never spoke to each other. Unfortunately I had to drop out of the class when my tutor instructed me to buy a Veena class to practice at home and without which she would not encourage teaching any further. Well cal it my bad luck, my pocket money couldn’t afford to buy a Veena. So I quit.

She liked – Sanskrit. Damn, then I understood how difficult it is to impress someone. I hated the subject as it was simply beyond my boundary of being approachable. Fortunately the language was being thought by the same teacher, so I had a chance and it clicked.

It was one of the early evenings, after finishing our school hours, I used to wait in the cycle stand by my cycle. Once she passed through the stand I would then take my cycle out and go for a long ride until I catch up following her. NO I was not a stalker. My friends were by side all along as they dint have any other choice. So they would wait patiently. One of the similar evenings, I saw her walking alone. It was that evening when I gathered all the courage and went upto her to get introduced. As I approached her my heart did a full thump dance. I did now understand the state of mind but it refused to open up and talk. So I stood there in front of her, making sounds like …ah..hmm..er. Maybe the fact that she had shooed away many guys who came to get introduced added more tension. I was not ready for a NO even for an introduction. Girls invariably understood this conversation and the situation became more troublesome when she just gave a smile. I had no idea what was that smile for. Was it a lull before the storm or was it the beginning of a new era in my life. Either ways I was clueless and at the same time dead NUMB.

Me : “Hi, I am Sudarshan from section G. Wanted a help from you.”
She : “ahaan. What is it?”
Me : “got to know that your section is ahead by a lesson in Sanskrit. Wanted to know if I can borrow your notes to copy.”
She : “ok. But I need the notes in 2 days, if that’s fine with you”
Me (covering my excitement) : “not an issue, I shall ensure that”

So there I managed to have my first conversation with this beautiful lady. Back home, all I did was turn page by page to see her handwriting, and flip in the last pages to see if she had written anything interesting. A special mention for my behavior in looking at the last pages - back in school days, the last pages were always meant for scribbling the thoughts that went through during the class hours. Match making with the crush’s names. Playing dots, etc. My search was only to find out if I by chance featured in her books. It was a big disappointment though it was obvious.

The next day I made a deliberate attempt to cross her path. And Bingo!!! she gave a smile. This time it was more of relief that she recognized me out of the lot. This was an achievement. It was a celebration time for me and my friends. The 1st story was taking a shape. I then started passing obvious looks at her. Exchanged the books more often and somewhere in between I asked for her number and I got it without any refusal. Bingo again!!!

Then it became a practice that I used to deliberately bump into her and end up talking to her post the school hours. Once she reached her nest, I began calling her from the coin booth (a phone booth where one gets to make a call by inserting a rupee coin for 3 minutes). I had a stock of rupee coins and all my friends started collecting coins for me. We spoke at length on different topics.

All this was happening in matter of 15 days. By then the news spread like a wild fire and most of the students in our grade got to know that we talk post our school hrs. Every love story needs to have a grey character. All of a sudden I started getting threatening letters and words by the guys who were considered to be the bullies of our school. And all I thought was “What the heck??? Why can’t they just be happy for me??”

Somehow, I managed to walk out all of the controversies and the threats. And it was time for me to disclose my feelings to her. Phew. Test of the time and I dint know how to gear up. Thanks to my best friend we came out with a very innovative way of expressing. We came out with a “Love Application”. Hilarious as it may sound but this was the fact that we wrote a love application and a left a space in the end for her to fill up whether it was yes or a no.

It was one of the worst feared days of my life, as I was not too sure of the reaction. What would she do? Slap me or kiss me, remained a big question mark in my mind. I somehow gathered tonnes of guts and placed the “Love Application” in her Sanskrit notes and passed on the book to her on my way back home. I dint look back and dint call that evening either. That was the worst night as well.

The next morning was again the morning of unseen fears, unseen reactions. I was a silent lamb and was mostly confined to my classroom. It was the best days of my friends as they had their time of their life looking at my situation.

It was in the Sanskrit class, that I knew something was wrong. The teacher came silently to me and held my ears and asked me is it what I come to school for??? Background to this teacher – my sister was his favorite student and he had a special place for me only for that reason. But that wild smile on his face when he asked me the question shook me left right and centre. The bell rang at the right time and he was swarmed with students to clarify doubts. At the same time I saw her passing by my class along with her friends and followed by her classmates. Every person had a look and that look was specially cast on me.

It was lunch time and we had to get out of the class. When we stepped down from the stairs she was standing along with her friends. With a look to bite us off. I knew at once that things were not alright. Nevertheless I was ready for the consequences (a never say never die attitude of every man). I walked by and heard my name being called by one of her friends. Post which she just gave me a smile. Trust me that dint help my situation. It was adding more fuel to my condition.

I dint get any response for my letter. Our study holiday started immediately with just 1 day break for our send off. Well its proven fact that a lot happens over a Send Off. And it did happen to me as well.

It was that time of the year when everyone scribbled on the Slam book, a book of memories to be stored for a life time. I did have mine too. While I was asking one of my friends to fill up one of the pages, I heard someone calling me from the 2nd floor. I turned to see her friend waving at me and I found my angel standing next to her in a saree and man what she looked.

Her friend wanted me to write in her slam book and I handed mine to her. Post which, I was walking down, without making much of a conversation when they came to me and she handed over my “Love Application”. I froze as I held a note of the application where she wrote her response in pencil. Rest of the application she chose to keep it with her.

As soon as they left, my friends came over in excitement to read her response. And I read –

“……….. I am glad to know you as a person, but it is too early to think of a relationship now. I want to remain a friend of yours and we can possibly revisit on the same thought after 4-5 years. But we will definitely keep in touch………..”

To the world it was a failure of my love story. But the only thing I saw was revisit on our thoughts after 4-5 years. We ended up talking almost everyday over the phone. The hopes on the statement dint die in the next 2-3 years of my life. We were definitely not going around. However we started becoming good friends and spoke of many things. And then we lost in touch with each other for sometime.

In between these years lots of changes happened in my life and I joined the engineering course only to find her best friends being part of the same college. We started hanging out again and would laugh at all those situations of my puppy love being dealt in school days.

The entire friends circle met up regularly at each ones house, we went for outings, movies, café coffee day, parks, to eat chaat and sweets. We had the best of the best times in our college life. She was the one who thought me how to make Veg fried rice and biriyani and till date it remains one of my delicacies that I can charm anyone with.

Then came the time when she was to get married and she chose on the option of getting married to the 1st guy she met. An IIT grad and well settled and moreover he looked like Sanjay Suri – every girl’s heartthrob then, one of bolywood actor. What more can a girl ask for. That instance the thought of 4-5 years came into my mind, but then again I had matured enough to understand that it would take long time for me to settle. Also, we both had never spoken about revisiting the statement made by her. So I was not ready to loose a good friend by digging old matters and those silly promises. I chose to be the good friend and went for the wedding.

Till the last minute of the wedding I was only thinking of the bollywood climax where the marriage breaks off and I go and tell her family that I am ready to marry her even though I am just a student. Before I could go further with the next scene we were called to put the akshatha (rice grains to be thrown on the wedded couple) and they were declared husband and wife. Then and there I killed my puppy love and gave a life long path to the friend in me and we remained the best of friends.

Thus ended my 1st love story; owing to those wedding vows.

I know her from the last 14 years and till date we remain the best of friends. And I am glad that it ended this way.

Beep Beep (1st message of the day)

“1 message received”

“Eno madthaideeya? En samachara? Girlfriends ella araamana?” (“what are you doing? What’s the latest news? How are your girlfriends?)

Beep Beep (last message for that night)

“Will you please listen to us and quit smoking. All are thinking for your good health. Don’t be silly and listen to us. All of us are concerned about your health”

And the argument continued…..

As the wise old man says – “One’s mind always knows when to accept reality and let go of the memories; for it will lead to a new path for a new relationship”

In my case, it was a new friendship – one among the best I have.

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The look of the heat

Looking at my own reflection on the mirror.... a cheap imitation of the mohawk from Taare Zameen Par.... (well thats what i have been called so while i had no means of relating to the mentioned look)..... i try gelling a new possible look....

and then it happens ... i break down...break down with droplets of sweat from my forehead... and i remember ....the heat is on....

the heat is on and off i go with my most noticeable aspect of look.... i shed my hair to beat the heat ... and now i am called a cheap imitation..

but know what.... i care less for the comments passed... as i feel light headed and definitely dont have to spend time setting my hair ....

Almost Mohawk.... all smiles i am ready for the summer

Type rest of the post here

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Sleepless Nights

She came...

And time and again…
She did…

We were looking out of the window…
Together, at 3 in the morning…


Clouds clearing their trail…
Showcasing the beauty by itself…

The silver moonlight…
Lit the night to its best…

She says she is in love with me…
Cannot survive a day without visiting me...

I am not too sure what my reaction to her presence should be…
But I am still there with her, looking out into the sky at that very minute…

She says she can be an addiction…
But she seldom realizes that I ride on a different high…

Contradictory to my thoughts…
But she still visits me and I am invariably in her company every time…

She leaves behind a killer smile every visit…
Only to realize the smile takes away my sleep every night…

And now she’s on her way…
I can sense her miles away…

She is walking seductively…
Every footstep promising to kill my sleep…

And I am left with no choice…
But to date her….

Helpless that I can be at this phase of my life…
I still date her unwillingly…

The night falls following yet another day in the calendar…
And she promises not to leave me tonight as well…

Insomnia….
The trouble of dating this seductress….

Insomnia…

and here she comes.

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Parallel Living - Counting yet another day

Feeling of being handicapped to move your mind to a different perspective is very hard. But like the veterans of the human race put it - time will heal all.

Just that nobody knows how long the time will take to heal, if at all.


For now, the mind is occupied with desires of evacuating ‘me’ from the lonesome walk, hand to hold on to the destiny, assuring one’s presence in the toughest tides. All in the mind but with no sign posts in the near vicinity.

It’s easy to build a hope in the mind, to build a castle in the air; but the feeling of the crumbling castles with the trembling hope is like a feeling of confining oneself into the sphere of vacuum, taking away the very breath of life.

No – I am still not hopelessly lost in what I write as above - but there is many a time when things don’t seem fitting in to the big picture. That’s when it’s the best time to go on a conversation with your own mind – as it should take over from the heart at denial.

No – I am still not a sailor who’s got no hope of finding the land. It’s just that whenever the wind blows your direction, it always seems like blowing from the direction of the one whom you want to be with. And when the wind touches your soiled sweaty face, that’s when you realize the coldness of the wind – blowing from the land of the one so close to you but still miles away from you.

And heck No – I am not under blessed by God. It’s just that I am still passing through the time, so called by the veterans of the human race, which too shall pass.

As the wise old man says “when it comes to certain emotions - there’s always something’s at your denial and yet nothing at your disposal”

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love and its madness

Love is felt in every possible ways and lost in every other possible way

-----Wise Old Man

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Tomboy - By Years

Scene 1

As she walked out of the bath room, just a towel adored her body. She called for her sisters to help her with the clothes and in return she found none in the vicinity. Confused and slightly agitated she started running around the house. Not a soul in the house. The door was left open and she saw few of her friends running across the streets towards the other side of the road. Instantly, she felt like running along with them. For her nature, a total tomboy, it didn’t matter in which state of presence she was in.

Wasting no time, she was seen running behind her male friends – who were in their obvious comfort zone of wearing just shorts and nothing else. A bunch full of half naked running across the road, crossing the slushy fields, saw their own joy in the cloudy afternoon. As she caught up with one of her friends she was excited to know that they were heading to a construction site – a small bridge in the making. It was replacing the old wooden bridge which held memories of her daily walk to the school. The sentiments of the wooden bridge overcast her excitement of the new construction.


As she approached the stream, she found her sisters standing in awe - witnessing the very reason for her loss of breath. However, the excitement didn’t last for more than few minutes when her sisters spotted her.

“What the hell do you think you are doing here – wearing just a towel?”

It was time for her to flee from the scene before she could get caught and be thrashed. Back in the same path – she started running like never before.

Thud!

Half way through in her rush back home, she fell over the fences which stood invisible to her eyes. Barb wire justified their presence in piercing her both the thighs with their sturdy nature. No pain! She resumed her sprinting to reach her safe zone – a secret place she sought to get away from her angry sisters.

Climbing the ladder to her secret place proved a little difficult that moment and she could feel that something was wrong. Finally when she saw the master work by the barb wires – she almost realized it would take a long time to heal. The white fluid ran down like tears from the wound and then followed by the blood. It took a good 3 months for the wound to completely heal before she could to get back to her normalcy.

Her act of semi nudity and rush of the hour proved to be expensive when the wound marks remained permanently sketched on both her thighs.

Age : 6.
Place : Udupi.
Bridge : Kalsanka
Year : 1958


Scene 2

Her attention was caught to sight a group of monkeys on the house rooftop. They were on the routine stroll to search for food. She rested her eyes on the tiny baby which was aimlessly following its mother. That moment, she knew she wanted to have that baby by her arms.

Plan in action. One of her mother’s stories reminded her of different ways to catch monkeys. She quickly ran through her options. A ladder by the wall, the roof was 20 feet high and there were 3 monkeys while the baby was now adventuring away from its mother. She climbed carefully while her sisters and mother watched her in shock. However they didn’t attempt to shout as they knew of the trouble she would face with the monkeys. She approached casually towards the monkeys while they were blissfully enjoying the plantain.

She sat on the roof – at a safe distance from monkeys and let her hair loose. This is one act which monkeys cannot resist to be away from. Unexplainable, but it’s the truth that this is one of oldest methods to catch monkeys. While she sat with her thick black hair shining in the mid afternoon, the baby made its move to approach the irresistible. It took some time to feel at ease before it climbed onto her shoulder and start searching for lice. It failed to notice its mother moving away in search of more food and leaving the vicinity.

After a while, it was trapped in her hands and was in panic to realize its captivity. She carefully took the baby down the ladder and gave it to her mother who was awe struck. Her mother, with prior experience of handling pets took no time to ease the baby and fed it from then on.

Months passed by and a special bond grew between her mother and the baby monkey which went on to become the best part of her life. Many a time the baby monkey became angry if any of the sisters approached their mother.

Learning the fact that the baby monkey was very attached to her mother, she left no chance to tease the baby by hugging her mother. One such instance, while the baby grew older to realize its anger, she was bitten on her back and reminding her not to mess around with the monkey.

Another mark went on to remain permanent on her body. This time it was her back with 4 deep mark of monkey’s anger.

Age : 18.
Place : Udupi.
Monkey name : Thimmi
Year : 1970



Scene 3


She woke up late that morning and was forced to sit in the music class taken by her father – the tabla maestro who took some time off to teach music to the interested souls. She always believed that she didn’t fit in there. Time and again she felt that God was unjust in placing her spirits in a girl’s body. While she sat in the class with no life, she heard her male friends shout and play “gilli danda” just outside the house. She dreaded every moment of learning the music when she could not be part of her gang thrashing their opponents in the game.

That morning she wanted to sneak out of the class and be a little more adventurous. An auto rickshaw was parked outside the house and she felt the sudden urge to ride the 3 wheeler. She realized that the vehicle belonged to one of the students and managed to convince him to lend the vehicle for a short ride. In the pretext of going to the rest room, she ran away from her father’s vision and finally had the auto at her disposal.

The vehicle roared at the 1st kick and she was there, holding the handle, with no prior experience of riding any vehicle. All she was banking on was the fearless confidence which made her stand out amongst her gang.

The 3 wheeler moved across the road, vaguely following a zig zag pattern. As the moments passed she felt at ease conquering the beast.

And then it happened.

She saw a passerby on the road and didn’t know how to stop the vehicle. Adding to her luck, the auto rolled effortlessly in the downward path. It was time to act now and how, she had no clue. But she followed her instincts which took a dramatic turn as the vehicle approached the stunned passerby. She had no choice left open and moved the handle quickly towards her left and went head on with an old tree. Auto toppled over the tree roots and she flew out of it onto the roads to get another art on her body. This time it was her arms. Realizing the passerby was safe and ignoring the pain she ran away to her secret zone – to hide from her father.

The auto lay in tears as the petrol spilled out of its tank and lost its glamour with few dents on its body.

Age : 21
Place : Udupi.
Auto make : unknown
Year : 1973


Scene 4


Since her childhood one aspect she couldn’t get away from was the cinemas – first day first show or any show. She was a quite a cinema-goer.

One of the late evenings she convinced her sister-in-law(sil) to join her for the last show of the day. By this time of the scene, she was married with 2 kids – girl of 2yrs and a boy of 1 yr old. She dressed her 2 kids, packed food for the babies and then along with her sil went off to the theatre.

In middle of the movie, her sil felt a hand moving on her back. To her shock it was one of those coming from the back seat. Instantly, sil told her of the situation and she calmly grabbed the hands in act and twisted the fingers until the scream became more obvious than the cinema dialogues. She then turned around, gave her baby boy to her sil and caught the rogue by his collar and removed her chappal and thrashed him to the floor.

As the guy got up to run away from the scene, she chased him to the door until the security guard caught the culprit and handed him over to the cops.

Fortunately this time she managed not to hurt herself, but the rogue would remember through his lifetime – not to mess around with the ladies.

Age : 29
Place : Udupi.
Movie : Babru Vahana
Year : 1981


Scene 5


New years evening. A date with her son, who for the 1st time since the last 16 years gave up his evenings spent with his friends on the New Years. Many instances remembered from her yester years. She spoke of her crazier days since the childhood, her memories from her tomboyish nature. She spoke of lot of things which invoked her past well lived and her happiness in seeing her life as is now.

Her son filled her beer mug and she raised a toast for her kid’s good health, who, now have grown up to handle their own life.

Cheers!

New Years eve was something she always wanted to spend with her kids, since they matured from their school days. Something her daughter always gifted her every New Years, until she was married off to begin a new life. And her son was always complaining of how dumb the idea was. This year was special to her, as her desire to spend the eve with her son was in action.

Rest of the evening went on talking. Her son spoke of his crushes - all lived in the past and she then teased him around of being known among the ladies. He spoke of the ongoing part of his presence now. They spent the eve with a whole lot of new meaning to each other’s life and a realization of how well the bond secures one another.

Cheers!

She relaxed herself on her newly gifted recliner. A peaceful smile lingered on her face while her eyes rested on the 3 red roses given by her date for the evening.


Age : 55
Place : Chennai.
Beer : King Fisher Premium
Year : 2007 and beginning of 2008


As the old wise man says “There is always a past to the present. A past filled with surprises, memories and life lived to its best. And then there are perfect moments when the past is sought after - to replenish the memories”

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Living

Bingo!!!

Bingo!!! Bingo!!!

What more can I ask for? There’s everything, from the materialistic aspects to the yearning needs of a human psyche.

However,

What is in abundance of invisibility is my aspect of living a fulfilled life.


Not materialistic, not camouflage of emotions … simple pleasures that are derived off anything but normalcy.

I hit the bed hoping for a peaceful night, and I wake up to the daylight with a tiresome look. Is that all? We close our eyes to a tiring day and are expected to wake up to a new beginning with a fresh and energetic vision. Alas, how many are those who envision this very aspect. And how many are those who follow me on the same tread path.

All I need is an embrace of living,
A need of belongingness,
A desire of being felt,
A capturer of my feelings,
A rupture of my emotions,
A lap to succumb my night to,
A hug to make me feel alive,
A kiss to make me feel wanted,
A life where I am known for what I am off,

I see a couple by the alley, with torn clothes, and stomach craved in for another day’s survival. But still, I see them exhibiting their affection with least botheration. As if they were unaffected of their surroundings and all they cared was for a life living with those moments of belongingness.

I’d trade my every part of materialistic aspects for that moment.

I’d swap my position to wear their torn clothes and feel their moment of being with each other.

It’s not the clothes that dictate our living, nor our lifestyle; I perceive the living to be, as a matter of fact, the feeling of happiness with another soul, who is supposedly a traveler from the planet of Venus.

Life is a game. And it’s a painting where one finds the grass is always greener on the other side. It’s a gamble where one is put at the stake of losing his ways of living for another way of feeling the pleasure. It’s up to him how he embraces the dictated.

For now, I don’t have any qualms of embracing that part of life where I see the grass is greener. What I need is a soul to whom I can weep my sorrows to, with whom I can hug my feelings with, with whom where I can sleep my worries on….

I need a soul who makes me feel wanted…. For, from then on, I can truly show that part of me where I can be totally felt the way I perceive of her.

I waited enough; show me your face, for I cannot live my life with your silhouette.

I waited enough,
Show me of your presence,
I longed for you more than my breath,
Show me your presence.

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Best Friend

…………………………………..
………………….
Perfectionism isn’t found in reality………….
………………………………………………..
………………………………….
…………………. You loose to someone…..
…………………. You loose to someone….
……………………..
…………………………….


“How do you ask a person if he love’s you?”

“Simple – shoot the question” – guy’s perspective

“Now how do you ask a person if he happen to be your best friend? A friend who was there through thick and thin, was the one who knew for all the happiness felt, was the one who read mind before lips acted, was the one who, though distant apart, was still felt close?”

“Simple – shoot the question” – perspective never changes

“How is love expressed?”

(Best of all - question was shot at me)

“Hmmm… varied ways. Amongst friends, amongst kins, amongst couples…different ways”

“Do you love me?”

“Whhat? In what sense?”

“Every sense”

“You are a very good friend of mine. It’s just natural that our thinking falls on the same frequency – so it’s not difficult to understand each other’s mind. But that doesn’t fall into the conventional aspect of love. Love – the way you feel it now, is not reciprocated from my end. There can be no US apart from what we have now, ‘cos I like you for the way things are between us and would not loose it for anything that comes between us. But there is no US”

“But why not give it a try…there’s no hang ups in doing so, is there? If we don’t enjoy the relationship, we can pretend to be couple for the world and remain best friends and walk away when we need to and still have no hang ups as we understand each other so well. Let’s give it a shot”

“Whhat? Are you nuts? I would never put our long years of knowing each other into jeopardy. We are good the way we are and will remain the way we are.”

“I just thought that things can work out great between us - owing to the past knowing each other. Now that I know what your idea on it is, I’ll never feel bad that I didn’t ask my best friend of my opinion”

.............................................
...........................
..................
..................................
........................


Now My perspective………….

Many a time, the best friend is sought after to clean the mind with its adversities. It was her way of expressing her walk in the lonesome alley. It was her way of feeling wanted and felt for. It was her way of feeling loved. Because, at that juncture she stood naked to the world of insensitive minds, she laid down paralyzed with her unattended gesture of loving a person from the heart. She gave it all for that special relationship, for that perfect one and now she has all in the mind but nothing in reality. And the mind played its dramatic role of being a slow killer.

But if that sought out friend didn’t whack her mind and talk her off the momentary deviation, the years spent would not have been respected to in any levels of the horizon. He was sought out for the very reasoning of his behavior and he could not let it go unattended to.

Apart from being a best friend, he / she has to play the role of an entertainer, agony aunt, brother, sister, teacher, grand parents, etc. And sometimes best friends have to play the role of an enemy to evacuate other’s mind of any possible deviant, a role of a boyfriend / girlfriend to make that person understand that it’s not the end of all, a role in the vacuum to circumfuse the minds weird ways of working.

Like the wise old man says - “It’s better to loose the momentary feeling of loving one, when it is at the cost of loosing your best friend”




…………………………………..
…………………………..
Perfectionism is not found in reality
………………………………………..
………………………..
………but……………………why is it that we have to loose to someone
……compromise with someone …..
…………………………..
……………………..
‘Cos that someone whom we loose to maybe close to perfection…..
…………………………..
………………………………..
Perfectionism …exists …
………….it exists very much, in our mind
Unless we stop defining the very word perfectionism….
We will miss out on those who are the closest to the very word…...
It’s a choice left open!

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Random thoughts

Reveal everything about yourself and let the chips fall wherever they may.

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Candid Moments

“ Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you dear Khushi, Happy Birthday to you!”

That was it! It was there!!! It was so natural that even the cameras couldn’t keep their focus away to capture the perfect moment.

She smiled! With equal expression of delight and surprise, she smiled heartily. The place had an aura of celebration. And she knew it somehow that all of it was for her. Like a princess, she posed to halt the candid moments.

Smile - Click! Click!


No body could stop her and guess what no body wanted to! The smile was infectious and everybody plunged into the moment.

She was getting old! Yet another year old!

Sometimes we just don’t realize how the time flies. I can imagine the eager wait by the hospital lounge. Her father, keeping his fingers crossed, waiting in anticipation to hear the first cry of life. His first step ahead and so be called a father for rest of his life. Words of assurance mumbled within, prayers prayed in silence, a sense of joy equally perturbed by a sense of the unknown fear.

Suddenly! It all happened!

Waaah…. Waaaaah…wa…waaaaaahhhhhh

The lounge was filled with the cry of a new birth. A moment to cherish! He became a father. Apparently the 9 month wait yielded the best gift he could ever ask for.

The doors of the operation theatre opened dramatically, reflections of the light hit brightly from the specula placed in the room, slow instrumental track played in the background to soothe the environment and then the doctor came in a complete white gown holding the baby caringly in his arms. The entire scene was impeccable, as if the baby directly descended from the doors of heaven, assisted by the guardian angels.

“Congrats! You been blessed with a baby girl”

“Khushi beta, papa ko cake khilao”

Drawn back into the present celebration, I heard Khushi’s mother’s voice. It was now Khushi’s turn to feed her parents.

Her small fingers reached the table and managed to cut a tiny chunk of the cake.

“Papa – cake lio”

The traces of the cream stayed on her tiny fingers as she treated her father with the cake.

Click! Click! A mere perfect moment!

Many more clicking followed by and many more moments cherished well. One would not find it hard to see the cheerful smile on father’s face. Its then when I felt the deep secret wanting to burst out into the light – I want to hold my own angel, guide her through the struggling walk, make her taste the 1st spoon of cerelac, carry her on the back and for a change pretend to be a elephant without any shame, make her sleep on my lap and the best of all listen to her when she complains of her mother.

The camera zoomed in on the candle – melting from the top, number 2 in orange and yellow just going down. She was yet another year old!

Click! Click!

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"No Smoking"

“NO SMOKING “- aesthetically placed reminders every nook and corner of the airport.

Damn!

Why is it that Airport authority in India, restrict people who want to smoke before boarding the flight or in the flight? Or be it even the Railways. Strict Rules you see!

I didn’t have an option but to throw the pack of cigarettes into the thrash bin.

Yeah, yeah ... I know, you would be thinking of 101 reasons as to why a person should smoke at all. But you gotta be a smoker. A smoker to understand the urge to smoke when one wants to take a break from anything, when the temperature drops down to a pleasant climate, when the day calls in for pooling in extra hours on the work front, killing time while waiting for someone who was late in arrival, the pleasure in the last puff and a lot of reasons to which the non smokers would never relate to.



“OK…that's enough! Enough of giving lame reason as to why one should smoke” - Ahaan! Don't assume that I didn't read your mind. It's a never ending debate between the smokers and non smokers, but still people do what they want to … detest smoking or enjoy smoking. Choice is left open!

Initially I hated smoking, couldn't even be in the vicinity of a smoker. Hated the smokes and the smell….argued about it….cursed people who smoked in the public…felt how unethical of them to do so when the place is equally entertained by the non smokers as well. Just because of someone enjoying blowing out the curl of smokes in the air, non smokers had to avoid being there. How ethical is that? Thoughts were then.

My best friend started smoking, since the class 8th. Then, it was the Style Factor which led him to convince us, the Pandavas (so called in the school as we were 5 in number and were inseparable) of how smoking is cool thing to do during the schooldays. (Doubting whether the reason changed for any good in the present generation school going kids) He (not to mention his convincing abilities to even embrace Satan in the name of God) convinced us to try once of the immense pleasure a smoke would give oneself. A bunch of school kids, with untidy uniforms, we hit off riding our cycles post the school hours.

Have to mention here of my 1st cycle... Atlas! There you go again, thoughts can be so predictable…read your mind again and NO ways! I was born in 80's not in 60's…just that my uncle somehow was convinced that an Atlas would do me good. Pity me; nobody would have succeeded in changing my uncle's beliefs the time he bought me the cycle. And for 2 full years, I had to cover up my sobbing state (Ego mind, I couldn't ignore that, can I?) whenever I looked at those from the provision stores carrying the groceries to be home delivered or the vendors selling guava in the colony. Thanks to my uncle, he put me into the same league. Boo - hoooo (don't take it literally, this is just for some added spice in the story)


Ok...Deviated! Shifting back to the main topic.

With a sense of adventure, we bought a pack of Gudhangaram, country made cigarettes. They were clove and cinnamon flavored and was chosen as they didn't smell like the usual ciggies. After all we still had to face our parents post school and we couldn't screw up our reputation and loose our only source of income...weekly pocket money. I somehow was inclined to call it Udhagamandalam, as I found the original name very confusing. Don't! Don't ask me to explain how the adopted name made it simplified. I was then a school kid. Nevertheless, we straight away went to our secret meeting point. Yes; like all the kids, we also had a secret place and it was called Chikka Betta Halli (small mountain village - literal translation), a small hilly area near the layout. It was the only place where we were ourselves and not the victims of societal inhibits. It was the place where we had kept our secrets concealed. Also it served as the place for our new frontiers. We always ensured that the place was visited everyday and we discussed on various topics ranging from girls, girls, studies, girls, girls, crushes, girls, boring school, girls, parties, drinking, girls, parental restrictions, our dreams, girls, career ahead, girls again.

Well now that you know of the various topic of our interest, let's get going with the smoker's adventures.

Needless to say, Joe did the opening act and taught us how to hold the ciggies (yeah… In Style!). In matter of seconds, the ciggies were lit and then …… uhhho….uhho.. uhhoo.. uhhooo. Ahem… starting trouble you see.

I went awry over the taste and the smell of the ciggies. Decided instantly that they were not made for me! But had to keep up my reputation of not being the odd man out, I went on to finish the entire smoke. Bham Bham Bholenath!! Small in size but the smelly stick managed to give a complex even to a steam engine.

Ever wondered what happens to one on finishing the 1st smoke of the lifetime. It seems that eyes go blur, coughs recur every 10 seconds, feel thirsty, feel elated, a dramatic sense of mission accomplished, and this and that. Well, all of them happened to me as well. Along with which there was guilt somewhere in the distant corner of my mind and a fear of what if caught, at the same time a yahoo feeling of trying the smoke as well. (For the record, I have this mission of trying anything and everything atleast once in my lifespan. If I like, I stick on to it and if I don't then it becomes history). In pace with the Pandavas, I was looking at the smokes swirling into yet another haze, yet another ciggie lit.

Something happened!

Someone was there!

I knew it, something was wrong. My intuitions were crying out loud to be heard. None bothered. There was a deep sense of fear that something was about to happen. But all I could see was rest of them, blowing out the carbon content in style, while still believing that they were part of this major mafia scene and would shoot at any one on sight.

For sometime my friends caught me rubbing my eyes, they being completely unaware of the disaster in front of me. My act was purely to wake myself from the haze and to ensure what I saw was in real blood and flesh. Sigh!!! They were.

Thud!

Ouch!

“Beversi gala! Eno madhtha iddheera??” (Bastards! What are you doing??)

All I could think was “What the heck? Where did he come from? Oh no! He is not alone, he is with another disaster”

2 hawaldar's were actually standing infront of us, beating their lathi's on the adjacent rock and I was shitting bricks. At the same time I was laughing within at the comical expressions on rest of Pandavas faces. I knew somehow I'd remember this day forever in my life.

It seemed like our guardian angels had taken a break from us, out there somewhere blowing out smokes in circles and In Style. If not, why on earth would these cops come to a distant hill and catch us of all the bad guys out there tormenting the normal life? All we did was have some pure boyish fun in exhaling the smokes. Was that bad? For sure, our angels seemed to have lit yet another Udhagamandalam, absolutely no sign of them!!

It turned out to be that Hawaldar's were not making enough money on their regular strolls and they somehow came to know of few boys visiting this place very often. This was their time to cater to their greedy (and as per them needy) pockets. And guess what, we were the scapegoats and best of all we were caught red handed or should I say smoke handed. All of a sudden we were the culprits, joining the league of hardcore criminals. Thanks to Udhagamandalam! And special thanks to Joe. I owed him big time to face this situation….arrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!

Then followed the mangala aarthi(a grandeur worship, related to prayers offered to God. The context of the verbal usage in here fits into a deep sarcasm) - being slapped by those beasts, held by the collar, and almost being taken to the police station. What the F***? Finally one of the Pandavas broke down and knelt on his knees and started crying like never before. Before even you think of anything, let me say for the record, it wasn't me! Ever wondered how the sentiments, tears and pleading; bow down the angered beast. It clicked. Our coward Pandava 4(Deepak) seemed to the Hero of the day and our savior. The cops actually gave in only to realize that they were expecting the moolah!(money u dumbhead ).

Pandava 1(Joe) : “hey I have Rs 7/- … spent the rest on the ciggies man”

Pandava 2(MRP) : “damn! My fate..had to fight with my dad yesterday itself…I walked with no money in hand… u guys have to manage”

Pandava 3(Vinay) : “well I have Rs 28/- .. saved it for the weekend rum drinking. Guess I don't have much of a choice. Lets give it all”

Pandava 4(Deepak) : boo hoo (still crying his lungs out) “ I am left with Rs 12 /- but need Rs 3/- to get my cycle chain fixed. Its too loose and I can't ride properly”

Pandava 1(Joe) : “Basket, Fish your chain and your problems, we are dealing with a bigger problem here. Get all your money out and for God sake shut your trap”

Pandava 4(Deepak) : “Fish you!!” Boo Hoo…..Crying continues.

Pandava 5 (Me) : “guys … I spent all my money to get that valentines card for her man. How I wish I delayed buying the card. Aint having any money on me. Wait…. I have 1 Rs and 25 paise. If that's gonna help”

Mathematics came into picture. And guess what … all of us forgot how to count…obviously the credit goes to the guys from the Kourava group. All the money with the change was handed over to them. And the offering was accepted with rude remarks and a threat to jail us if caught next time.

Hmmm… at times even if the offerings are given from the bottom of the heart, it is never received to its best. The greed takes over the humble efforts or was it an effort to cover up our so called mistakes. I didn't even want to think in those lines.

We were shooed away from the hills and were left with a warning of not to visit the place in the future ever. Walking away from the scene, we heard the distant chuckles behind us. Yes it was their day!

Our cycles were parked in the bottom of the hill and we somehow gathered all the strength to run towards the cycle to get the hell out of there. And to our shock, the tyres were flattened. It was indeed a well made plan.

Since then I decided smoking as one of the things I didn’t like and was history to me. Managed to keep the same belief for a long time. Every party attended, every person met I was for sure voting for the non smoking campaign.

But like the wise man says all things happen for a reason. I took onto smoking, this time not for the Style sake. It was for a total different reason. I left everybody shocked with my decision. Guess it’s hard to digest that someone opposing so much would cling on to it every moment.


“Good Morning! This is Nadia from Emirates Airlines and you are about to land in Dubai. Request you all to fasten the seat belts. The weather outside is very humid and the temperature is 41 degree…blah, blah…more blah, blah…. Thank you and Have a nice day!”

Sometimes, one just doesn’t realize as to how the time flies when gone on a deep diving into the past, digging all the pleasant memories. The flight journey indeed seemed short.

I stopped by the sign board to help myself out of the airport.


• Duty Free Shops
• Rest Rooms
• Smoking Zone
• Exit


Bingo!!! Everything was placed in order!

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5 simple pleasures

* rains and getting drenched ... be it a walk on the beach or the simple roof top

* driving to nandi hills especially in the midnight and watching the city glow from the tip of the rock

* sitting anywhere, literal meaning of it, anywhere, with my best pals and just spending time..be it talking .. singing...irritating...or just doing nothing

* relaxing on the bean bag and sipping a ice cold beer on a Sunday afternoon, watching a nice movie in the television...with or without company

* watching friends every morning 6:30 am (weekdays in star world) and feeling happy that i have such equal gud friends

Now its time to list yours too and you need to ask 2 other people to list them too :)

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knock knock

'Knock Knock'

the door was left unanswered!

ever wondered how does it feel??

an exorbitant silence in the foreplay

The world saw me exhale my last puff for the day..... phooof

Naqaab ... the movie failed to charm my normalcy... but naqaab the existence is dominant enough to be believed ....

Intuition's .... sometimes it relieves oneself.....and sometimes it kills a being ....

thoughts .... were left untold ... buried into its own motherland.....all it needed was a ear to hear...phew.... thoughts again was left unheard ....

Intuition's .... sometimes .... the bleedy soul just goes unnoticed.

hmmm...

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I Could!

I could!

I could walk away from the desires of being with you,
Those moments where I would feel the very breathe on my face,

I could walk away from the dreams I dreamt,
Of sweet surrender of my mind onto your laps,

I could walk away from the feelings you invoked,
Of those whisking me away from the ground,

I could fall in love with my loneliness as ever before,
Instead of having a shoulder to lean on at times of loneliness,

I could spend my time wishing for the miracle,
Standing by the railings, looking at the distant hope in the sky,

I could!

But I would not leave this moment go unattended to,
For, I could change the moment for a better off, for something new tomorrow!

I could choose to be living in the past soaked in memories,
Or I could choose to be living in this moment, letting go the past to be a phase!

I see a reflection in the mirror, with a sign of happiness,
For it knows of the choice made!

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My Tangible Adoption

“Beep Beep”

Mind recognized the new alert and hands reached the modern technology.

‘1 message received’

“gutten morning feeta, lovely weather, day’s kuttu blowin, gosho feel like kissin the daylite..love+concern+kicks+random kisses…hi~fi…stay the same…pooch pooch pooch ..muah..love u”


Once upon a time, these texts seemed Greek and Latin to me, fighting my word power to figure out what did the message signify? Over a period of time, I got habituated to these strange words. At that moment, I was remembered in somebody’s mind, to an extent where in waking up and starting the day seemed to be of secondary importance to her.

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

My lethargic eyes couldn’t resist the early hours anymore and instantly shut its gate to the sunlight, for an extended sleep until the alarm went off - so started my day. The messages went unanswered and it was very well known to her that my morning was wrapped in a tight schedule until I sit in the bus heading miles away to the office.

At times, I stupidly laugh at myself of the morning schedule, somehow reminding me of that boring character from the movie “Dil Chahtha Hein” – who kept a tab on and recorded every minute of his lifetime. To get up at 6:30 am; switch on my favorite program – “Friends” – head to the ‘Lou Bega’ with paper in my hand – ease myself out – brush my teeth – and sit with a cup of Instant coffee in my bucket size blue mug watching the Friends and their timely stupidity. At 7:00 am; I go to iron my clothes and then head to bathe, followed by offering prayers to the Holy Mighty and then change into my neatly pressed clothes. Barely leaving any time for any other activities, knowing for obvious that if any time was wasted I would miss my bus and had to wreck my back traveling to the office – 40 kilometers away. Phew!

Knock Knock!!

As I got dressed, my mother would be waiting outside the bedroom door, knocking for the 3rd time, with breakfast in hand. Cup of cornflakes - soaked in ice cold milk, with black raisins, badam and a spoon of honey poured in, to add flavor to the flakes. This is when the game of cat and mouse begins; I find myself running around to find my pair of socks, body spray, hand kerchief, wallet, office I card, keys to my office drawers, mobile and my wrist watch. All this while, one would find my mom running behind my back, in the same pace so to get a chance and stuff the cornflakes into my mouth. Childish ways – so be it – but this is how I have my breakfast regularly – a practice since the time I remember, though the breakfast kept changing and off late settled to the cornflakes.

Heading out of the house, would start my jogging time, until I reached the bus stop. Sometimes I find it very difficult to understand as to why I don’t make an attempt to get up early. But there will be thousands of souls who would sync their thoughts with mine when it comes to the orgasmic pleasures of letting the alarm snooze for that last 10 minutes of sleep. Voila - Nothing like it!

On settling myself by the window seat, is when I take my mobile to read the messages received.

“4 messages received”

Amidst all her activities of getting up early like me and getting ready to college to be there by 8:00am, she still finds time to message. And I end up blaming my ‘hectic’ schedules not answering her message until I sit in the bus. Alas! Guilt trip! But it lasts only for fraction of seconds as I convince myself of how all fingers are not the same. It’s true when the wise man wrote – ‘Guys come up with unique ways to evade the guilt and being blamed at’

Last message read – “ feeta – mam’s come and she is boring the hell outta me – it’l be difficult to msg – cya later – will get back once she’s gone…u rock..stay the same..gosho..ur so adorable..stay the same..hi~fi…pooch pooch…..muah”

Gotta admit that display of affection is light years away from my existence, but somehow I started exploring the possibilities of confronting it – thanks to this lady who walked into my life couple of months back.

Hold on your wandering thoughts!!
She is not my girlfriend!
She is not my sweetheart!

Watching the world commuting outside the window by the seat, my mind zoomed in on the memory lane.

One evening, I was to meet a friend of mine in a mall to check in on one of the dance school – you know to learn those steps from Salsa – to woo the girls. Again remind yourself of the special emphasis to be given on the “Guys coming up with unique ways…” phrase – it will add its own magic here. He called up to check out, whether was it a nice idea to get a friend along as she was free that evening. Though lousy to admit of my stranger phobia – I gave a go ahead.

We met up outside the mall and unfortunately the dance school was closed that evening for some lame reason. Post the formal intros, we then headed off to a café to chat for a while. Since it was a weekend, I had earlier told my friend of hitting the pub in the evening for a drink or two. Everything seemed to go for a flop – ‘cos somewhere I still believed that the girls in this city were not as comfortable visiting the pubs as in the city where I spent a large part of my life at.

So we stood outside the café deciding what to do next. Somehow, I guess my friend realized that I wanted to head out for drinks – he spoke of his friend- kuttu’s drinking adventure. To which she jumped off her feet and pleaded to go the pub for a drink, ‘cos she would never get a chance – thanks to her parents.

Voila, what more can I ask for!! However I was warned of her eccentric mode post the drinks masking her senses.

In matter of 20 minutes we found ourselves browsing the drinks menu in the pub. Kuttu, went on deciding her drinks – starting with a shot of Tequila and then followed by rounds of white rum. I didn’t know what to make of it – the only thing that was lingering my mind was the warning my friend gave – ‘her eccentric mode’. But then I was least concerned about it – what mattered to me was to see the glasses being filled every time it was downed to its last sip.

Post the first Tequila shot – which was some sort of a grand ritual for the drinking cult – myself and my friend settled down with the scotch served on rocks. Kuttu was hyper enthu of her next round which she placed an order for – a round of white rum. My friend kept on warning kuttu to keep herself checked on the liquid intake. Just after 30 minutes, everything became very clear to me as to why my friend insisted on her eccentric mode. Phew, I realized it was her 2nd time of drinking in her lifetime, but she spoke of nothing less than a regular drinker. All my nasha went down the drain when it was time to hold her and get her on to the saner side. She was indeed in her best mode in terms of depicting every act of a drunkard’s behavior. We then became the center of attention when people started casting their eyes on our table. It was time to move out and how?? We were clueless! She could barely stand on her feet and all the time she kept on mumbling was – where’s my drink??? God was the only hope to save us off the situation.

It was the night of lots of “first times” in my life. Be it in terms of guarding my glass from a girls prying eyes – requesting the bartender to chase us out (enacting though so that she is convinced that we are being chased out because of her superficial act) – visiting the ladies rest room so that we can wash her face and pour some water on her head – to the disrespectful eyes of the guests waiting in the lounge. Man! that was night definitely to be remembered. We decided to force her to normalcy before she heads back home. The worst was yet to come when I was told of her father being not less than Ambrish puri in DDLJ in terms of raising his kids. I froze and my mind failed to switch on its regular course of action. The only option left to us was to make her act normal. We decided to leave the bikes in the pub and caught an auto and headed to my home – the last resort before my mind stopped working. I called up my mom and told her off the situation and as usual she was being very co-operative. One of the first timers again in my life was when I decided to brush her teeth so that her dad does not smell anything fishy for the night.

Wiseman had penned down earlier – “situations makes a man act anything out of his normalcy”. Indeed, there was no better a situation for this phrase in my life.

Thankfully, God was with us and we safely dropped her back home and she headed off to sleep without speaking a word.

The next morning –

“Beep Beep”

For obvious reasons my eyes opened to see the clock striking 11:00 am. Hands scouted for the mobile and read -

“1 message received” – a message of how miserable she felt and of how grateful she was to meet a stranger who took good care of her during her elated feeling.

“Beep Beep”

We then hit off pretty well and started messaging each other to infinity. She spoke of how she respected me as a person and went on to reveal her teeny weeny crush on me.

Ha Ha Ha !

We met up few days later, when she had accompanied her soul mate to the same café where we were supposed to go to in our first meeting. After a hearty laugh on our drinking experience we then decided to head our respective home. While taking the bike out of the parking lot, I was embarrassed to the core to lip read her when she spoke to her soul mate of how cute I was. Though I am dark, I bet the public wouldn’t have failed to notice how pink I turned into off my embarrassment.

Logical reasoning – Firstly guys fail to react when they are complimented by girls. Secondly guys fail to understand as to how they are perceived to be termed as cute!!!

We have hardly met couple of times but we end messaging each other - atleast 30 – 40 msgs through out the day. I’m in a perpetual awe at her spark of energy any given point of time. She infects a high amount of happiness to anyone and imbibes the feeling of cherishing life in every small way – be it admiring the weather – be it enjoying the coffee – be it getting back home by the rick – or be it even meeting strangers on the road. She is full of life and definitely is one of those who come rarely in a person’s life.

To some extent, she taught me how to express feelings through messages – I wouldn’t have ever imagined saying something as beautiful as ‘muah’ to anyone – be it via messages or be it on the face. Now, it is one of the most commonly used words in my dictionary. I realized its one short lifetime – make the best of it by expressing oneself whole heartedly – as good as a child confronting his feelings.

She is one cute little girl that I couldn’t resist adopting her as a friend – yes she became my adoption –my very first time - for a lifetime.

Hold on!
She is not my girlfriend, but still she is my best girl friend!
She is not my sweetheart, but I still call her so almost everyday!
She is the only one whom I tell almost daily that I love her – but not in the typical way as one might see and perceive.

Sometimes, a relationship amongst genders need not necessarily mean to be that of a boyfriend / girlfriend, brother / sister, husband / wife, father / daughter, mother / son.

Sometimes, a relationship amongst genders become truly indefinable – like the way I have with her. Yes she is my adoption and my friend – in simple words – my adopted friend.

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

This moment, I am remembered in somebody’s mind, to an extent where in the breaks between the classes is a chance seen for her to catch up on me. And everything else seems to be of secondary importance to her.

“Beep Beep”

“7 messages received”

“Beep Beep”

“Beep Beep”

Note: for the benefit of the reader please note the meaning of the verbal usage.

gutten morning – good morning
feeta - friend
day’s kuttu blowin – day’s mind blowing
gosho – gosh
love+concern+kicks+random kisses – needless to say, however I still don’t know where does concern fit into the formulae. I never asked and she never told.
stay the same – come on you can get this one. It’s damn easy my friend.
pooch pooch pooch – a sort of kiss wherein you kiss yourself in the absence of the other one, just the same way the other person does right on your cheeks.
Muah – an expression of an imaginary chimpanzee pouting his lips in an attempt to kiss.
Hi~fi – an expression of achievement. The act embodies one hand of each person going high in the air and sort to clap one another in the mid air.
Love u – sometimes it’s the best to tell these words irrespective of the situation. I am an ardent fan of these words – thanks to feeta – that I now use it most commonly with the other words learnt due course – “muah! Love u, million hugs and kisses” the first 2 words being her contribution, rest being my attempt to be charming. I generally use this sentence on the girls I find fitting the bill (don bother asking me to explain this one). Sigh, however I have started to believe in the wiseman’s say – “Failure is the first step to success”

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A Balancing Act!

A casual statement was made amidst a conversation with my friend.

“For the person you are, you deserve all of those ever imagined and dreamt off!”

Hmmm…. Elated for a second and at the same time I wondered,

Didn’t those people deserve better -



When their life was snatched away by time, leaving nothing but a life long silence to their loved ones!
When ribs showed their presence when the food didn’t!
When all they found was abandoned in the streets, after pawning their freedom catering to their child’s never ending demands!
When the bowl went empty even after the aged desperate hands cried for alms!
When the tiny tots squeeze themselves into a small iron ring, just to ensure that they catch the right attention and be catered to their next meal!
When they are demanded to pay a donation – a mere token of appreciating work - to get their rights granted!
When the abuse is termed as just another moment of pleasure by those of the stronger presence!

They do!
They do more than what we do!
They pretty much deserve all those dreams which they are scared to even think off!

If all of us, who deserved and got the same in our life, start thinking of fulfilling those dreams of the less fortunate ones, the world would indeed be another mould of balancing act!

Sigh, many of us seldom think in the lines of seeing a smile on other’s face, by sacrificing our own self made deserving plate of desires.

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Life's calling

Life is not fair at all times.

It shows it’s better side most of its stay.
But to ensure that a soul doesn't get absorbed in the sweet morality at its stake,
It shows up the other side as well...
This is a reasoning of its own self to ensure that the soul feels the sweetness even better.

Life is not fair at all times...............
We just have to sail with the flow.
'Cos there awaits a better side of its being
Waiting to be explored and exploited to its fullest.

Life is Fair if u look at the flip side.

Life is damn Fair .... 'cos its Life ...........
And Life is to be lived to its every second.
Not lost for its every second feeling morose on its adversity.

Life is calling where are you.... Life has its arms spread wide open for the warmth.

Feel the Life .... and its very warmness.

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Devils Advocate

Casting my feeling of loneliness was a normalcy since the time I was left alone in the land of no man. Yeah, the transfer to a new place did play the Devil’s advocate in making me realize that I was indeed alone.

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Reality Bites

A Heart dies when it is not able to share its feelings...
But a Heart kills itself when another Heart doesn't understand its feelings.


When reality bites.. it bites really hard.

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Lost Race

He was sitting in a corner, all alone by the table. Cup of coffee stayed cold while he was lost in thoughts. For a passerby, he was one of the aged, homeless, aimless, lifeless men who’d not even deserve a second look by the “busy US”. But for the world in his mind, he was a celebrity of his own genre.

Our parents grew up listening to him lending his magnificent voice to the immortal romantic songs in the movies, making a normal actor to a legend. We even come across the legendary name of the actor marked in grandeur naming the streets, the community, and some even go to an extent of worshipping him for the characters the actor portrayed. When the actor was put into the test of his lifetime, the whole city stood still, forcibly by those who saw him beyond as a normal being. The roads were blocked, shops closed down, schools and colleges shut down, riots unveiled in every corner of the city and media working on their toes to showcase his sufferings. News spread from city to nations, people from every sector giving their condolences. There were numerous offerings given to the God for the actor’s wellbeing. Even the politician didn’t let their hands off and made a mockery of the entire situation. Finally the tough time bowed down and opened the gates to the actor’s safety. He was safe, walked out heroically from his troubles and was again treated kingly for his success.

Meanwhile there was another soul, whose career came to a halt as his voice would no suit anyother actor other than the legendary actor himself. However, to his fate, the actor had chosen to sing for himself in all of his movies.

The actor lived to his name, but the voice who gave us the songs was lost in the race. He chose a life of anonymity, for that was far better than seeing his career buried. But he’d still not let go his possession. He’d still wear the Mysore turban and the silk shawl given in honor of his talent. He sought a life which saw him sitting by the corner in one of the city’s old restaurants, sipping a hot cup of coffee and nothing else. He sat hours together, scribbling on his book with shaky hands. There were lots of people visiting the place and they failed to even acknowledge his presence. He’d sometime walk into a gathering and put forth a request to allow him to sing.

He is remembered occasionally for his songs by those people who respected the talent. However, the count is handful. They’d come to him, reminding him of the songs which had touched them in several ways. On their request he ended up singing couple of lines for them. And he was treated with yet another coffee. A mere way of showing their respect to him, but they failed to see the tears rolling down his eyes. He was not meant to be here, he was meant to be a legend by himself. But who’d listen to him. Isn’t it the society’s rule that someone will be remembered only in their absence? He is not remembered in 2nd half of his life, and doubtfully will not be remembered even in his absence.

He is walking the path of loosing an identity, and yet he is so alive, sitting by the corner of his favorite table. Cup of coffee still cold as his thoughts were for now. Lost in his thoughts, his tired eyes caught up with some sleep. When the hotel was to shut down for the day, he got up, took his belongings – a torn umbrella to beat the heat, a newspaper, a diary, pocket full of pens and cheap plastic covers which supposedly had his bare essentials. The table might see him again the next day, if he survived to walk for another cup of coffee.

He walked himself out of the table into the road of darkness. He deserved a better position and state of living, but destiny had his say on the singer’s life.

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People meet in unexpected circumstances, with unexpected emotions, and with unexpected future. However, when the circumstances pool in for an expected beginning, people foray into unexpected ways of opening up.

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ever heard of silence in motion

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Complicated Mind

Mind is one’s universe, crafting to every foreseen and unforeseen situations. It’s the comfort level we, the better part of the species, are relaxing on every moment with the foreseen situations. But unforeseen situations demands for a realistic approach, established and matured mind to take over.

Our living is encountered with several of these situations. Many of which we would have anticipated and geared for its acceptance. Some of which we fear and discard its notion until its arrival. However, there are those situations which strikes like a thunder and leave a remarkable remembrance in our life time. How does our mind accommodate such a situation; always remained a question in my mind.

We open our eyes to the daylight. Mechanically mind begins to strike each of the activities on its completion; bathroom – ticked, coffee – ticked, paper – ticked, breakfast – ticked, ironing clothes – ticked, getting ready – ticked….. One is so used to this typical arrangement that mind is automatically tuned to its actions. If one of these activities in the “to do list” goes out of gear- an unwanted disturbance shows up in the day to day rhythm. Our actions are dominated by irritation, snubbing, inability to concentrate and whole lot of psychological mood swings. But still this seems to be so normal in terms of leading our rhythmic flow of life. It is when we confront a situation so unimagined; that we become numb, to an extent that our mind halts its regular functioning.

Citing an experience on an early morning, I was shocked to know that my best friend’s father passed away. Unexpected as it seemed, but the feeling of loosing someone is dreadful, especially when that someone was around in all walks of my friend’s life, from the initial walk to the walk in the aisle. That someone was to hold his grandchildren’s hands as well and teach them the very first footsteps. And all of a sudden the world became blank and he was just a photograph hung amidst the swelling emotions. The clock stopped working for him and continued for others to accept the reality of his invisible state of being. I could hear my friend loosing his breath whilst confirming the news and all I could sense was his helplessness commanding his very voice. He was shattered and for the first time ever his emotions became more audible, the tears rolled down while the voice crumbled with fears. I could only imagine his state of being. A day planned with regular activities but confronted with unforeseen situation.

It is when my mind started exploring the possibilities of the so called unforeseen situations and the repercussions of it in our very own lives.

How do we react when our worst fears come face to face?

How do we convince ourselves that the one present moment ago will ever be a memory?

How do we accept the twists that jerk our way of living?

How do we pick ourselves from the devastated moment to a stronger position?

Our mind is the controller of all our activities, but still when it faces an unforeseen situation, it is usually the heart that takes control in the initial stages until it looses out to the emotions. And then the complicated mind takes over acting like a weaver, joining the intricacies and preparing for the stage beyond the moment.

Somewhere mind knows that this too is a phase and shall pass.

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Sound of the Silence

A beautiful thought put forth by a friend of mine.


"No sound in this world can be more louder than silence.
And if anyone cannot understand your silence,
they can never understand your words"


Thank you there!

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Value

Life never gives what you lost...
And keeps reminding you of the value that goes with the lost.

However, Life will give you a chance so that you do realize what you could loose and learn the value of it beforehand.

Humans seldom understand this aspect and overlook it all the time.

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Life's metaphor...

“There is something which always happens out of nothing”

So very true when all I found was nothing in my empty capsule of living. I needed a change and what I needed was a companion who could listen but not advise, who could comfort me but not worry me with their troubles, who could teach me differently but not in the name of any institution.

I wanted a difference in my routine, of looking at my next coming days with some new excitement.

Deciding thus, I got along a pair of white doves expecting nothing more than just a pet at home and fondly called them Raja and Rani. Thankfully my mom was supportive in terms of letting the pair reside under the same roof.

I never believed in clasping anybody’s freedom, so I decided not to cage them. The doves were free to explore my house and live at their own comfort levels. However, it took them sometime to accept the new space and the new faces. They would initially hesitate to visit us in close proximities. With the days rolling by, they recognized our existence along with them and accepted us being part of their life. Raja moved in first to touch us and sat on my shoulder and slowly Rani budged in as well.

I used to feed them, clean their droppings and gave them water to quench their thirst. I remember waking up in the morning and finding Rani happily sleeping next to my pillow with her eyes closed. Raja was relaxing in the far corner of the hall where we kept our footwears. During the daytime, they’d follow my mom all around when she went in for the household chores.

When the television went abuzz, they’d join us in watching together and happily sat on top of the claypot, at a foot’s distance away from the dumb box. Raja would twist and turn his head in amazement when the volumes soared high.

Weeks counted on the calendar and I was simply taken by the new members in the house. I would return home to find them fluttering their wings. I took them as a token of appreciation of showing up on time.

One lazy afternoon, watching one of the painstaking programs on the television, I thought of something which my friend had told in one of our casual conversation. About how to let go someone and if that someone returns back to us then that someone will remain with us forever in our lifetime. For that someone really loves us and would give away everything to be with us. Pondering over the thoughts, I was curious to know whether Raja and Rani were made for me, whether they really did like our company and our small house.

The door to my house was opened and the couples were free to explore the other possibilities. At first, Raja and Rani hesitated to step outside and later on they walked into the balcony and felt the fresh air. Their wings fluttered in so seemed excitement. I had a choice of shooing them to the indoors or just letting them feel the moment. Mind traversed with the options upfront and then I walked into the corner and let them embrace THEIR moment.

Rani started gazing at the sky and walked in a few steps to the corner of the balcony and was doing her titanic pose. In fraction of few seconds she gathered her courage and winged her way to the skies. She started circling in motions on top of my house in sheer excitement. From there she could see the colony, at the same time feel the wind and look down at the materialistic world. Standing by the corner, my jaws dropped in awe.

Raja slowly followed her to the skies and was flapping his wings in a very amateurish style. He blindly followed Rani in circles and for once made me think of moments rejoicing in freedom. They were together in whatever they did and none ever hesitated to compliment others attitude in exploring the new possibilities. They flew in the blue skies, just above my house and now were part of the God’s roof of living.

It was then that I rethought of the conversation, what goes off comes back to you if it is really yours. I had smile, an assurance that they’d return and tell me, in their own language, about their experience.

I saw them flying up and above, heard their wings flapping. I waited, not realizing that the moments mounted into hours and rolling into days and they were just there, right above my house, flying at their leisure and forgetting all about the life they had with me in my very own nest where they were respected of their individuality. I still convinced myself that they lost their way back home and they’d return.

Slowly they disappeared from the vicinity and into the deeper skies. They were gone. Raja and Rani chose their own ways of enjoying their living. And I was not part of it. That is when I realized that they didn’t belong to me and they were belonging to the upper skies. Somewhere I sensed their happy moment together and assumed them smiling at each other.

Wings flapping on arrival may not necessarily be the token of appreciation of showing up, so I thought, they could also be perceived as "Look I've got wings and I wanna use them, let me out and embrace the skies and my freedom"

A metaphor of life this time… inwardly speaking to me and reminding me of yet another instance. And this time, I stared at the skies, jaws dropped down, not in awe but in brooding over my anxieties.

Transfixing my state of mind, yet another lost flight of time decorated my memory.

What you see is not what you get and what you get is not what you see.

However, this time, the guardian angels are besides me, so say my horoscope for the month. However, this time, I so want to believe in every word they say.

Amen!

Amen!

Amen!

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When preferances are dictated...

Bias on the Homosexuality.

It’s a mere subject of conversation you and me may take it to. However to those who live it, it’s their very Life and choices they make.

There have been numerous forums which discuss in detail of the choices people tend to live their life with. But it boils down to the basic aspect of psychology “my thoughts are not understood by you and yours not by me.”

This leaves a handful of questions scouting my childish brains.

What are preferences?
What are choices?
What is love?
What is right way of expressing ones love?
What is sexuality?
What are genders?

Since I didn’t find the answers as I am questioner by self, I reached out to the mass. They opined Man to Woman and Woman to Man was the Godly way of expressing the Love, otherwise it was satanic choice of disobeying the worldly norms, simply Ungodly.

But … UNGODLY is only said by one of the creations of God...yet another species in the societal run of survival.

He created us and we have every right to live to his creation.

All he imbibed in us was the feeling of Love and to express it in our own ways. We chose different ways of exploring and expressing it ...be it the GODLY (so said by the society) way of expressing it to the opposite genders or be it to the same. All we are doing is expressing in our own ways. So in which angle does it justify that this is GODLY and this is so UNGODLY?

Let’s be more than the subject of societal dictums and start looking the very aspect of inspirational living… the world of simple LOVE.

We have the right to live our thoughts and let us not be dictated by the mere pressure of the outsiders.

If certain percentage of the mass has chosen a way of life where for them, it feels just right to be with the one of the same gender, then let’s respect them and their thoughts. Instead, what we, so called being part of the majority in the mass, do is moronic actions of confronting their very choices. How justifiable is that?

Depressingly, we heed to the voices of the so called society as we somewhere accept that expressing love differently is UNGODLY. Our broadminded thoughts are ignored when we face their choices upfront, turning into the genre of hypocrites.

Our cognitive psychology apprehends our very thoughts of the right choices. However, they have their right to make their choices as well. Choices which may seem absurd to us with so called the normal thinking, but for them it’s their very preferences which are being lived by their choices.

When preferences are straightened, be it with the societal belief of normalcy or be it with the individual acceptance to be so called different, they are still the preferences of a sane mind, a result of pondering on million thoughts and circumstances. Then why do we question when preference are dictated of our thoughts?

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Another Smile

Cloudy day…

Cool breeze…

Rooster late from its sleep giving a guilty wake up call…

Morning chores…

Empty stomach…

Rushing out of the house not to miss the office bus…

Sweepers sweeping…

Shutters opening…

Vegetable vendors arranging his possessions in a meticulous manner…

Slushy roads…

Dogs sleeping…

Aged people religiously walking in and out of the temple…

Torturous traffic…

Crowded bus stops…

Laborers standing by the roadside tea stall and savoring their only energy drink…

Cluttered vehicles…

Screeching horns…
School kids lined up waiting for the bus to arrive…

All reminding me of just another day in the calendar…

But…

Deep within…

Something tells me that it’ll not be the same.

‘cos somewhere resting is a beautiful feeling…

With no origins and no road…

But showing up its existence…

It’s all in the mind…

Another imagination in the foreplay…

Another smile on the face.

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Blank! In the Mind

Blank!

Blank!

Was my past

Blank was the feeling passed since the birth of my soul,

Blank was the hopes of my parents when the reality stuck,

Blank!

So is my present

Blank is the state of mind when I wake up in the morning,

Blank is the world I see when I use my visionary glands,

Blank is the taste I feel when I sense the fears,

Blank!

Will be my definite future.

Blank will be the sound I’d hear when I choose my ears,

Blank will be the life I’d know when I look beyond the day,

Blank!

Blink, I Blink, but still all I see is Blank,

Blank is the reality of my life,

‘cos all I can see is Blank.

Be a Blind,

To understand the fears of Blank,

To feel the fears of Blank,

To learn the fears of Blank,

Blank!

It takes more than Blank thoughts to be a Blind.

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Strangely Strangers

They are all around.

As I walk along the busy street amidst the market,

Learning the fact that I am not alone,

I find them shopping for their week ahead,

The same reason as to why I am there.

They are all around.

As I settle down by the roadside café,

Ordering for a cup of coffee to ease my day,

I find them sitting next to my table.

The same reason as to why I am there.

They are all around.

As I visit the expo at the end of the avenue,

To sight a masterpiece for a corner in the house,

I find them scouting other artifacts to decorate their interiors,

The same reason as to why I am there.

They are all around.

As I stop by the restaurant to cater to my hunger,

Browsing through the varieties on the menu,

I find them calling the waiter to place an order,

The same reason as to why I am there.

They are all around.

As I walk into the bookstore to pick up the next best seller,

Then scanning my other choices of books for the travel ahead,

I find them there already billing the books to stack in their shelf,

The same reason as to why I am there.

They are all around.

As I wave to stop the speeding cab in vain,

Hoping to reach home and be with things I relate to,

I find them at a distance with their hands full of shopping baggages,

The same reason as to why I am there.

They are all around.

As I search for my keys amidst the possessions bought for the day,

To open the doors to my kingdom, my sweet home,

I find them entering the next door with a smile of relief,

The same reason as to why I am there.

They are all around me.

Strangely,

They seem to be so much like me,

But still I don’t know them.

They seem to have similar interests like me,

But still I don’t relate to them.

They seem to have same feelings like me,

But still I don’t disclose mine to them.

Strangely, Strangers are all around me,

Giving me the same look as I had all the while,

Strangely, they are all around me,

The same reason as to why I am there.

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Sinusoidal Mind

And the world named me cynical!



I am here convincing the world of my very visibility…
yet they say I am so far away from being here.


There is more of me which the day hasn’t seen…
‘cos they say I am an inhibit of my own clutters.


There is more to what I show of my feelings…
‘cos they say I am an evaluated victim of self constraints.


I see the night in the daytime and shiver…
and they say I am the cause and effect of my own bilateral imagination.


I experience the unknown sitting next to me with a snorty glare…
yet they say he is non existent, in my mind, unseen and unheard by others.


I howl hastily; for the fears reckon me from the timeless era…
Wrecked from my own tears, I am yet deemed to be a societal threat.


I see the food explicitly served in my plate by the fist of ordinance…
Flies being the honor of guests leave no space for my fingers to savor.


I see the known faces walking since years along my line of living…
but I know the known faces just know me skin deep.


I am destined of having pleasures of life within the 4 walls,
with a small window opening to the world as seen by them.
The only prop that decorated within the 4 walls was my cot,
with 3 shaky legs and 3 bricks supporting as the 4th leg.
Unwashed blanket to cover me from the coldness,
which was the only gift I saw as a child from my mother.
And then I blankly stare at the only ornament decorating me since ages,
the only metal I felt and knew,
the only music I heard when they clanged harshly,
the perpetual chain of my miseries and unseen happiness,
that clenched my feet to the wall of darkness.
And they say it was the chain of grounding me to normalcy,
Chain of keeping a control on my behavior,
Chain depicting the cause of their right actions.


They say,
I am the result of my sinusoidal mindset.
I am the mould of my own fears.
I am the reason of their perpetual problems.
I am the insult of their family pride.


But all I wanted to say was,
I want to be heard, as the way they are heard by the world,
I want to be felt, as the way they are felt by the world,
I want to be touched, as the way they are touched by the world,
I want to be seen, as the way they are seen by the world,
I want to live a life, as they live theirs in this world,
I want to be like them, living a life in the open air,
Not like mine counting days in the solitary confinement.


Since the hold on my memory, I’ve seen the sapling grow
outside my worldly window, into its gigantic beauty,
shadowing the world beneath, housing the birds in thousands,
kids swinging from the tree into their own sweet time.


I see the familiarity breeding happiness…
but that’s just a state of momentary present.


And then I see my aging helpless palms scooping my vision….
In a deliberate attempt to close to the worldly norms.


And yet the world named me cynical.

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Dreams Unlimited

What is it that makes us dream when the reality is so much occupied in our regularity of habitual living?

Its mere evidence, whatever said and done, that we still follow our routine - day by day and still believe that it has to be lived. However when the day ends, we realize - it was nothing more than yesterday and was nothing more than the day before that - a simplistic routine.

Still there are many aspects which we wanted to experience during the course of the day and failed to see its visibility, filling up the ‘didn’t do it today as well’ bottle which is overflowing with its contents since the years counted. Unknowingly our mind is so stubborn of opening this bottle and experiencing each of its content, that we start living them in the only other possibility – dreams; almost an alter living – somehow realistically believable. When the dream machine is boarded, it’s our journey and we become, almost convincingly, any character birthing from our thoughts.

In this alter life; we have the balls to say NO to those we wanted to say NO to in reality. We have the audacity to tell the boss that he sucks and is good for nothing. We have the capabilities of exploring the deepest fears and yet we find solace in just doing so. It’s our world, we have the power to choose the next action and we do so without hesitating further consequences.

We start living in an imaginative world, convincing ourselves that this is how we should experience it ‘cos we still have a routine life to live from the moment we wake up to reality.

We are the maker and we are the liver.

Dreams are unlimited - It’s like Alice exploring her imaginative, dreamy and her wonderland. Who’d stop her and who’d stop us?

An unfading smile to learn that there is no one stopping us of our imagination.

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Prayers

Our course of life takes us through varied paths. Some cherished for its memories, some regretted for reasons better not explained, some unacknowledged and some even unwanted. However, once the path taken so is it taken. There is no looking back as it doesn’t give us an option of changing the choice made. So all lies in our hands as to what best can be made of the choice led. And usually, we the ignorant, always go by the easy way of finding the faults and blaming none other than ourselves. Who’s at the gaining side? None! But who’s at the loss? We! And we still continue doing so as we believe that’s the best way of getting it out and over.

It’s all about looking at the positive of the negative side. It’s all about making our choice, this time thoughtfully, whether we want to let go of those memories which are the most cherished at the same time the most painful or we want to hold them back and live with them in a cocoon closing all the possible opportunities ahead of us. It’s all about how far we have made our mind to release the block that has occupied our mind substantially.

Somewhere amidst the torments we rely on the only Source of oneness, Who knows us without even a single word uttered and to Whom we approach when we are clueless. We take Him on every single ride when our mind explores and explodes. He is always there with us, Unseen but unbelievingly Felt with every moment of His presence.

We seek Him through Prayers!

An astound belief in the Almighty and a way of communicating, prayers help us expressing our desires, happiness, loneliness, fears, wish for miracles, welfare of health, need for help, betterment and so on so forth. Some kneel down, some bow down, some close their eyes and some circle the idols, some cross the heart and some just talk to the Unseen. Prayers take their own form adapting to the choice left to the believer.

Prayers, give us a way of relaxation, as it comes along with a satisfaction that some one will always be there to listen to us at the most crucial path of our life. Some one will always lift us and walk along the thorny path; some one will hold us and relax us at times of despair and some one will make us wanted as we blindly believe in their powers and existence. It’s the faith in the Almighty that we seek Him through prayers ‘cos somewhere there is a hidden belief that He listens to us when we speak to Him.

And I am dedicating this post to my friend in need of such prayers. My prayers are along side of yours. ‘Cos somewhere I believe, instead of one voice praying for the same cause if other voices join along, there are better chances of being heard as the prayers resonate with higher altitude. And so the voices will secretly join along every time someone reads this.

God always has plans for us, though during the rough sailing it all seems cloudy to our eyes, but God still has plans for us.

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Limitations not found

I am the bird, flying its stature,

up in the sky, with limitations not found.

I am the wind, flowing by the hills,

Beguiling the bird’s flight, with limitations not found

I am the fish, swimming with ease,

across the currents, with limitations not found.

I am the ocean, calm and serene,

mothering millions a life, with limitations not found.

I am the moon walker, astral on the prowl,

walking the first stead, with limitations not found.

I am the star, wisher of hopes and desires,

shooting at my will, with limitations not found.

I am the nomad, with no root and no cause,

footing a new land everyday, with limitations not found.

I am the priest, blessed with all the powers,

betokening the oncoming years, with limitations not found.

I am the prince, with the charming gait,

strolling through my kingdom, with limitations not found.

I am the Casanova, a magician at the art,

casting spells on the womanhood, with limitations not found.

I am the Unthinkable; I am the Powerful,

I am the Rebellious; I am the Saint,

I am the Richness; I am the Five Entities,

I am the Happiness; I am the Hope,

I am the Impeccable; I am the Desire,

I am a slumberer, awakened by the unstoppable alarm,

I am yet a human, a prolific dreamer of abundance,

I am yet a liver, a subject of the world’s disposal,

I was what I am,

I am what I am,

And will be what I am.

With limitations not found.

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25 minutes too late....

I feel like talking! Talking to everyone about what’s happening deep within. But at this juncture, I only wonder how will it be perceived?

I look at the numb mobile phone to buzz into life like it used to show “1 message received” and that was of something as simple as “ just droped in2 say have a beautiful day” till the late nights when it used to buzz only to say “I’m sleepy, wil catch up 2moro”. Even to an extent when the messages used to come from unidentified no’s and read “hi..ran outta my currency, mesgin frm my mom’s fone…” Days remembered when I was in middle of a boring meeting and get a sweet note of technology… to simply remind that someone is still thinking of you.

However, this time the mobile buzzes with “1 message received” but never from the one I’m secretly hoping for. It’l either be one of those forward messages, which reminds you of how technology has managed to convince human mind of not keeping in touch by person, ‘cos the message will still remind of their existence or it’l be of those category which just talks about stuffs which is realistically impossible. Or it’l be of the service provider’s which lists down the latest bollywood songs that can be downloaded for free as dial tones. Call rates @ Rs 6 per minute. Either ways it’s not the one I looked for.

Why does everything have to be this way? Ironically there is a song from my playlist which goes alive after couple of soft rock numbers. The artist sings ”After sometime, I finally made up my mind….she is the girl and I really want to make her mine….I am searching everywhere to find her again, to tell her that I love her and I am sorry about the things I have done…. I find her standing in front of the church, the only place in town where I dint search….She looks so happy in her wedding dress, but she’s crying while she’s saying this……….but I missed ur kisses……25 minutes too late.. though you traveled so far ,but I am sorry u are …25 minutes too late ”.

Somewhere it was understood that there was no searching her everywhere to find her again; there was no finding her standing in front of the church and in her wedding dress and there were definitely no kisses to be missed. But some how it was ironical with the 25 minutes too late. She will always remain to be the one whom I’l know ever in the future…..but I was too late to confess when I did - for the time was gone, the moment was lost; there was someone else which reminded me of her wedding dress standing by the church.

I was reminded of how men go into the self made cave; go for a deep dive to find self space and when they figured out they come out and their woman will be there waiting for them to confront their feelings. It only happened that when I went deep into a cave, the depth made me come out more that 25 minutes and then it was too late. Yes I was more than 25 minutes too late!

Its not love, cos I don’t even know the meaning of it and its way too early to be judged. However, it’s a feeling which invokes pleasant moments desired to be lived…with the one holding hands….walking down the far away stretch on the beach….like the way it is done in my imaginative world. But it’s just in the mind.

She can never be mine,

Even if I wanted like never before, she can never be mine.

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Have you ever?

Have you ever felt touched by a person’s fingers,

Whom you know will touch the same way rest of your life?

Have you ever felt the look in the eyes which outcry and say,

Please be there in front of me until I close to destiny?

Have you ever felt the kiss which takes your feet away from the ground,

Only for the reason that you know it’s not the kiss of lust but that of love?

Have you ever felt the whispers which ignites a hair raising sensation,

For the words murmured reminds of the angelic serenity?

Have you ever felt the smell in the air which was carefully chosen,

From the vaults of heaven to the womb of the earth, especially for you?

Have you ever felt rested on the laps of the one whose mere touch,

Puts your worries miles away and imbibes a peaceful sleep as never before?

Have you ever felt?

Have you ever?

Have you?

If you have then post me the wedding card, if not –

I’d still look at the sky and hunt for the shooting stars,

I’d ‘cos –

I’d want to –

‘cos I want to feel ever that way.

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Rains O Rains

Rain; cleanse me with your real self!

For I am clothed with the dust from the past.

Wanting to wash away every bit of the layer,

To see a new soul ready to start afresh.

I come to you with the varied past,

Reminiscence of the Yin and the Yang self.

Cluttered thoughts frame my present,

Future, desiring to see betterment.

Radiance of your every drop,

Reminds me to see moments differently.

Moments, flowing down as the time sheds,

Without trace of its existence ever been led.

Hope that enriches with your very touch,

Soul stirring tranquility with your very presence,

I stand in front of you with arms wide open,

Embrace me like you do so with the earth and its essence.

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Empyrean Aplomb

It’s gonna be by the hill side,

Just a canopy by the peak.

Lotsa drapes free flowing,

Moving in sync with the winds grandeur.

Blue Orchids to the white lilies randomly picked and placed,

Adding their beauty in silence for the moment awaited.

Melodies to melt the hearts flowing out of the musicians magical hands,

From the guitars to the piano casting their own mystical spells.

Candles standing in all shapes, awaiting their part to be played,

With aromas specially adored, for the moment glorious.

Cloudy weather painting a glittering golden streak in the horizon,

Just about to downpour the pearly drops, but it just wouldn’t ‘cos its my day.

And there I stand undisturbed from the charming nature,

Wandering my eyes from nadir to the zenith, witnessing an empyrean aplomb.

Only to be called by the one who redefines the word Charming,

Stretching her hand for a life long feel, just to hold me tight to eternity.

Standing still to capture the moment and looking at the sky with words murmured,

“Thank you! Thank you for making someone more beautiful than you,

Thank you for making this my day forever! Thank you!”

Wedding bells in the distant church passing their wishes,

Enacting the enchanting mysticism right from the vaults of heaven.

Moments arrive when I take over her stretch of soft hands,

With every sensuous touch, promising deep within for being there until the last breathe.

I Do! I Do! I Do!

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Wedding Vows

Days passed by, one after the other,

Holding the fingers, that guided over coming years.

Growing in separate worlds, walking our very own stead,

Joyous moments lived, from the childhood to adolescence.

Day came when; our world’s met face to face,

Formal occasions set, for an auspicious new beginning.

Families met first, followed by our thoughts,

Then came our interests and a desire for a future together.

Marriages are made in heaven, so said the wise men,

We were destined, only to meet on Earth.

Mutual feelings, of spending the coming years holding hands

Celestial bodies never hesitated to bestow upon their - asthu, asthu, tathasthu.

Arrangements being mapped to a day in our life,

To begin our eternal walk of togetherness, life long.

Upon seeking the blessings from the Holy above,

We walk the aisle, with the assurance of you being with us.

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Shooting amidst the air

1,2,3,....... counts leading to infinity.

So seemed the distant between us.
Me, with the heart felt efforts to count Your presence
and You with Your starry light looking at the tiny me.
Though the distance separating us was in the infinite light years...
I could still feel Your presence, every moment, every breath
and at times every gap between the breath.
Wow!!!.. is all that I felt.

You came up every time casting the very magical spell,
asking nothing in return.
But You came up everytime and made me look up to You
to feel closer to the lot.
In my way, I could reach You right through the distance,
if wanted could capture You within the medium
and when needed, just lay down and be mesmerised.

You shadowed me through the dark.
Fighting away from the obstacles,
You walked the stead along my way.
You held the lens up to get me a bigger You
And I called You just by another name.

You still remain the symbol of unity,
of those souls who dwell to unite with each other.
You still bring the lost emotions,
so lost in the matrix of our life.
You still remind us to hold hands,
just simply gazing at You,
and You still demand nothing in return.

But this time I want something more from You,
I want to see You shoot in the sky.
To shoot right in front of my eyes,
midst the coldness of the night,
midst the clouds of darkness,
midst the empire of millions You,
midst all other's Hope.

'Cos this time I have a Hope for my self.
I hope for meeting the evading distance between the souls,
I hope for the starry light You down pour on the starry eyes I dream of,
I hope for those moments holding hands looking at the very You,
I hope for capturing You in my hand and giving to the eyes of her disbelief,
I hope for Your shadow, still in tact, but this time not only for me,
I hope for the bigger lens, still being called differently, but this time to shine more on her,
I hope for the significant arrival of the lost emotions midst the lost dreams and qualms,
I hope for the unity,I hope for meeting my horizon of dreams and reality,
I hope for a fairy tale.

I hope for the shooting You amidst the millions shining,
For I have a prayer to be prayed in silence.
A wish to be wished for myself.
A dream to be dreamt for a better tomorrow.

Show me Your shooting Prowess, for I want to believe You - even more from the Fairy Tales.

1,2,3....counts leading to countless hopes.

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Unseen..Unspoken..Unfelt

Lost in the qualms of my life,

I search for the enigma to purify my soul.

All I could draw on was one small aspect,

Wanting to know the unknown.

The heart’s searching for the one not found

Help me someone, in finding the one I am searching.

It’s been a long haul in waiting for,

The one who’ll melt my heart in her arrival.

Let me embrace her like the moonlight

Embraces the night fall and the hearts.

Let me hold her strong like the dew drops

Fighting to restrain from the leafy edge.

Let me smell her like the bees scouting

For the nectar, in their every ride

Let me feel her like the baby

Feels his motherly touch.

Let me know her like the way

I’v been wanting to know her.

Let me , just let me ..

Get to meet her.

For from there, I’ll stop writing

And start telling her.

I love you!

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Weathery Weatherman

Complication unwinds its full self when it was least anticipated in the day of the light. When life seemed to be rosy, situations thronged up, reminding of the thorny side of it. Pacing against the past, Weatherman was not ready for another race of emotions.

Dwelling into the soul talk, like before, never hoped for its darker side. But the clouds seemed really mysterious for there was a disastrous storm in the foreplay. Weatherman was stuck in not forecasting the tidal change. For the first time Weatherman did fail in looking at the alter mind!

The wild side went off to a hazy level when it confronted to the dictum's of the life unspoken of the catastrophes it could swear by. Weatherman was swindling between the time zones, not leaving past led and denying to go with the present seen. So likely of his behavior, denial of the state of people expect out of him in their company. But this seemed to be cloudy for their vision as they could not go beyond its darkness.

Weather changes as the time trails its galore walk.

Weather changes as the moments are left to be moments and thought about in the future as what a moment.

Weather changes as the same emotions are knocked onto the doors time and again for a no answer for their efforts.

But Weatherman still remains the Weatherman captivating the changes in the weather.

At times of despair Weatherman thinks of a situation when…

Weather changes and he wants to change and walk along the trails of time and enjoy the galore of walking with a companion.

Weather changes and the moments are felt and lived and the future is all about living different moments, leaving not even an ounce of chance to think of moment led.

Weather changes and confronting the same emotions knocked on the doors and the answer is a pleasant surprise for rest of the life.

Weatherman, for a change, wants the weather to be changed from inside. Not be part of captivating the weather changes, but be part of the weather for he wants the weather to change him and be no more called as a Weatherman.

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Reasoning For .....

Hold on to your pace

For, I will be there to join you,

Hold on to the shared memories

For, I will be there to redeem it.

Look beyond the night

For, the darkness is momentary.

Look for a better tomorrow

For, this light will last a lifetime.

Sight my very visit

For, I will be there to hold you tight.

Sight for the times together

For, that will cling on to our very living.

Clasp the hands for the last time

For, they will be taken over from you.

Clasp my hands instead

For, they are trembling without your touch.

Feel your thirst for the longing hug

For, I will be there to feel your warmth.

Feel my heart with every beat that it beats

For, you will know how long it’s beating since without you.

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I wanna

Oh there, come out of your shell cos,

I wanna see you, I wanna meet you.

Don’t be closed in your world cos,

I wanna know you, I wanna listen to you.

Walk into my life, from the side of your world cos,

I wanna touch you, I wanna give you,

Rest in my arms, easing your total self cos,

I wanna feel you, I wanna breathe you.

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Perception

What you see is not what you believe..
What you believe is not what you see..
Seeing and believing is something which is what I wanna see and believe!!!

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Lonely .......

Walking down the path, came across a wood burning into ashes. What an Irony of life...so seemed my life. Once bloomed with the pallet of colors never picturised. Now turns out to be that the life colored itself black and white.

Is that all ???

Some harsh memories , some disturbing truth and occasional dose of momentary pleasures.

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Rainy Conversation

) - Rains, reminds me to live my life again, just to enjoy the serene beauty that every single drop radiates, reflections of my life just the same.

-()- Talk about being poetic. That held meaning in depth though. Making full use of solitude and climate it seems...

) - Glimpse of life itself is so beautiful , then imagine the essence of understanding the depth, discovering life within life...

-()- but the irony is that, depth seldom understood. The alternative is to enjoy and understand ( as to ones mind thats so unique) the small things that make up the large picture. Like say, a rain drop for example.. or the magic behind the smell of the fresh wet earth... or this or that !

)- Thoughts in sync. Thy seldom wisheth to understand as small things clouds the depth, leaving the mystic to be mysterious ,thus call enigma.

-()- Let all of us choose to return to innocence, at times to enjoy the magical combo of mystic and the mysterious. Like they say some questions are best left unanswered.

)- Its the quest for mystic, that maketh the difference in being me ! Quest, thy shadow , been ever since tooling me to open up to the enigma.

-()- In short you were born inquisitive.... :)

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Zest

The rythm of life did pace up when the rains and the wind took their turns playing their charm. The aura created was enough to glitter any aspect that could imbibe a life within. My wishes reach greater heights when it comes to being part of the charming presence, but the fact is disturbing, especially to learn that the soul doesn't have a body to enjoy the graceful nativity.

There were days when the physical self zestfully went out to embrace the wind and the rains, enjoying the shear pleasure of being involved with the nature. Should I call it the best part of my life, not that I can term it definitely. But yes, there remains a painting of the emotions, that ran into me, even though my physical self is engraved in the demisal grounds.

I cried being not part of the entity that birthen from my mother. The entity which made me feel the very necessity of being physically alive. Matured enough, was I to understand the fact that the physical self is the first step of awakening to the reality. It need not be the only means for the search to find who you are, did I realize the truth, it needs more than the entity to achieve the unachievable.

Wanderer..... was .... am .... will be!

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Matrix of Life

There I stand , embracing the purity that breezes all over from the unknown. Looking above reminds me of the surreal divinity, the charismatic truth of unveiling the mystery. The truth foreseen to be the end or the beginning, depending on the visionary surveillance of the human psychic.

Bending down, I catch the glimpse of the reality or so called the life going mechanical! Souls passing by to catch up with the defined way of living, getting so involved with the set matrix which seems so unwise to crack. Alas, if they could only foresee the pleasures of unwinding from the normal to the psychic nuances.

Its the zeal involved in rediscovering the defined, to define the living. It births the perpetual zenith of cracking the so called unwise to define the soul's quest.

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Arrival of the significant change

The days are the same until I came across the one that made a difference. Strange to believe but surprisingly true, that I'v fallen into the trap which I was always running away from. Though it's a little difficult to convince myself to believe the same, but the fact remains evident that I am into it, especially when my whole aspect of looking at things did change.

Alas, should I call it the entrapment of thyself into the castles of the myriad blues... whatever...the feelings are definitely the ones which even the angels cannot distract away from.

Is it something that people who lived and loved for , through the centuries, that I am going through?? Remains a puzzle, hard to crack, as I am the nomad who finds it in people at any instance but not the one who falls for it. Though some part of me is trying hard to convince the fact of the present existence.

I always believed that the heart CAN always be cheated by the mind. But this time, it's surprisingly hard to believe when my mind failed to rule the heart. My instincts go about declaring that I'm in trouble, especially when it comes to the truth.

It could be the arrival of the significant change in my way of living and believing in what I did, as I always thought that my mind was right.

But hey, the ancient saying about hearts taking over the mind is working their charms in my life .

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Destiny...

Destiny has a defined plan for a living. This might sound very common, as everyone blame their fate, the only other half of destiny, for every action.

But what is destiny?

Given a thought, it is something which abides us to have belief in the supreme divinity.

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Search

Search your own heart with all the diligence , for out of it flows the issues of life.


This is where the mind plays the vital role as it rules the hearts musings!

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Life Perturbed

Life, through its course of journey, sought to define its path. Seeking an answer to itself for the led path. At the relevance, there were thousands of questions raised, Why’s for What’s done!

Mortal competency is what one strives to achieve in his course of Life. Topping the list of “to be what one wants to be”, this race of so called “living and proving” exhausts the Life at the end of it. So why at all? Many unanswerable factors follow the question. May be, it’s the desire to show what the world wants to see… Visibility! Visible in terms of Existence, Power, Wealth, Knowledge, Relations, Societal appearance, Materialistic aspects, Achievements… turns out to be a never-ending list.

Birthing from the human entity, never thought about the complexities of Life, or to an extent about Life itself. It seemed to be of no importance at all. Days of schooling just passed by and did it as it was to be done so. Accepting, without questioning, is what we are dictated through out, especially when our footsteps fonder around our surroundings. Those questioned are the ones who follow their own path to be defined and to be historicized. Clarity on the reality says so, that I wasn’t the one who defined my own path.

Damn, why wasn’t I???

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Existence…

Mystery cloudeth my mind for the state of being,
Unable to visualize the trail of incidents that occurred…
But still I stood, handicapped out in the Sun,
Trying to decipher my existence…. Was it real or a matrix?

Memories jetting back to birth and the new beginning,
An existence redefined with the physical entity.
Headstrong with the vision, I was here to run the course of time,
With embedded thoughts in mind of the physical entity being Mortal!

Due course realized that the physical entity was not just the entity,
Defined was it to be the master of all entities!
Was sent for a purpose to seek the quest…
The quest, which only the divine entity could seek!

Soul displays its emotions through the channel well adapted by millions,
Some vibrant and some sober, mere acknowledgment of the state of mind.
Whilst display of several, mystery cloudeth the mind,
For there arise symbols, unique in its own way, but trying to speak the unknown.

Circumstances put forth difficulties in reaching the destiny,
For, the soul is not just the soul; it is also part of the entity!
Succumbing to the pleasures dictated by the matrix,
Million promises lure away the real purpose, losing the path, which defines the existence!

Embracing time, pleasures failed to play its charm,
Woke up to reality, quest is not all of this!
Regaining the composure, here I walk again,
Like a nomad, quenching the life’s thirst!

Events, unrealistic then, seem to fall in place,
Like the puzzle, sole reason of which I am here!
Thy seek the quest of deciphering the puzzle,
For there lies embedded, the reason for real existence!

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Quest thy Holy Grail.............

Holy Grail...... an alternative truth to what is in existence .. the belief ... the legend.

HOLY GRAIL is within us. The conscience of every individual gears up to be the HOLY GRAIL. It differs with perception.Some call it the cup,others swear by the document, but what i see is the ignorance of the mankind to search for somethinig which is undefined, imaginery (unless you are part of the Priory of Sion)....

Quest for unknown is definetely a high that you ride on....piece of advice ,quest your own soul, for you may find an answer for what you crave to know. .... for knowing your soul is where the journey begins to world unknown.......

Amidst the matrix of life lies an individual soul who knows all,cos he is the one who has understood the meaning of being born,alive and meaning to thy life.Try searching that soul within you .... Plunging into the depths of inner reality is where you seek an answer to the HOLY GRAIL.....

You might just end up giving a different name to it...... and end up starting a new priory....

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discover thy world, for it may hold the opening to your universe!!!

Seek wat u want, let alone wat the world comments on it..... drive ur life!
Uplift urself to the sky,for u can reach the stars that seemed far away...sky not the limit!
Push ur limits, for u can achieve the unimaginable....unravel ur thoughts!
Relish every moment, for that deciphers ur life..........decoded is heavenly!
Insulate from the routine, for that kills ur imagination...thoughts fly high!
Young ur mind, for aging entity embraces the killing time....mind matters!
Accept ur reality, for only then u can accept ur dreams....yin yang!

Follow wat u believe in, for that shouts who u r........daredevil of all!
Outcry ur emotions, for that motions ur feelings never touched....explode!
Rise out of the existence, for that is not end of all....discover!

Ur success in decoding... elevates the mystery thy seek!

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Notice thy walk..cos there you find a path

Walk..... walk through your LIFE ,cos it is the only action that'l take you where you wanna be....walk.....
but notice your walk, cos that is what will matter where you wanna be.....

Walk your steady way by holding hands is what you'v learnt from memories..
but define your walk for that matters your real purpose of the walk....

walk alone ... for that is what throws light at your inner self,
but do remember not to leave the ones behind who believed in your walk....

walk your way out and reach the place you wanna be ...
but dont end your walk for that is not the end of your purpose....

walkin miles away ... one point where the thunder strikes...
you realise the very purpose of your life.... if at all you ever noticed your walk.
lies beneath hidden in the path is your self realisation of the real purpose of walk....
the answer to your quest of all.... your very being... your very existence....

walk this path..and you reacheth the horizon of dreams and reality,
the horizon of life beyond existence....and there you leave a sign board behind " once a life walked this path beyond the essence of real existence "

Striketh your mind is the reality that your walk got noticed whilst you still walked through LIFE UNNOTICED !!!

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