Thursday, September 26, 2013
I was so angry and upset that you never told me of moving into my neighbourhood
I decided to walk into your house
The door was ajar and I easily managed to get through with less of a trouble
Following a low hum, I walked into your room
You were on your bed lying on your stomach
Listening to music with your ear plugs on
With your legs playfully up in the air
Like those kids who go into their dream world with the first taste of music
Your laptop lay aside midway of minds disclosure, another blog being written
You were oblivious to the fact that someone was in your room
Least of all me!
Something was left cooking in the kitchen, it smelt wondrous
The day was lit with a dull sun trying to peep through the clouds just after the rains
And I just stood beside the door not knowing for how long
It was nice watching you, in your own space without your knowledge
The closest I got into your personal space
And then I walk in, gently sit beside you
Without causing any stir in your world
Few more moments pass by and then you realised something and you turn around
And I found you white faced, pulsing out the last sign of blood off your face
Maybe you were embarrassed, I dint know
Then I comfortably sat on your bed
We were just talking
You ranting about the music you were listening to
And me in my dream zone not hearing a single word you said
I was caught up with your simplicity in enjoying the moment
And as the time slid by, I wanted to make filter coffee for you
Just like appa makes
Served brewing hot in a steel cup with no sugar, as you like it
When you tasted the first sip, you were like
Aaaah this is not what I like, it’s nothing like I prefer
And I rumbled off saying I’ll do it better next time.
I was easily making myself comfortable resting my back against the wall
And turned around to check something
I was taken aback
To hear you say
“I missed you”
More than that
The words just came after
The fresh warm breath I felt from you
I sensed the warm breath right after you kissed my neck in an attempt not to embarrass yourself
And I remained surprised
And dint know what was coming through
I was numb
Cos I dint expect at all
I thought you’d be you
Not to let yourself to weakness of disclosing anything
But you caught me by surprise
I just came and hugged you
Not knowing how else to react
It was a bit funny
Cos both of us dint know what came through
We were old enough not to feel that fluttery childish experience of the teens
Who first felt the wave of puppy love
But yeah even in this age
We felt that
Just then your roomies walked in
Ahem, caught with even more embarrassment
We were just trying to ward off those prying eyes
Not that I cared
But I did care about you being made fun off
Hush hush the matter was put aside
All of us started making a redundant conversation
Few minutes past by
And then we decided to go off in our directions
I was curious to check what’s cooking in the kitchen
Somewhere as I strode by, my eyes turned around and fell upon you for a brief moment
Your eyes caught them with equal ease and followed the unspoken direction
Footsteps followed each other’s and stopped by the kitchen
What was more alluring was never understood
Was it the moment that just felt right
Or was it that you were next to me
Or was it both that tricked me childishly
But the end was definitely good
As we were caught up in a charm of the moment
The milk left boiling, spilt out of the vessel
But hey, dint I just make coffee for you
So how come the milk was still boiling
I left it aside as I was keener to absorb the moment more than observe spilling milk
I was in the airport looking at the departure board
Flight to New Delhi was on time
Ok, I thought to myself, another 1 hr to reach airport on time and drop off mom
My mom was packing her luggage so that she could leave tomorrow with no much off work
She was eager to visit her sister and was apprehensive about the flight journey
I had already booked the cab to drop her off tomorrow
I was staring at you, flabbergasted
You seemed even more beautiful
The low light in the kitchen shun so dimly on your eyes
It seemed as though they were speaking to me directly
I had my own interpretation and was left with a goofish grin
I walked out of the kitchen
Went to the hall
The window which was left open suddenly filled with gush of fresh air
The rains appeared again shooing the sun to an unseen world not to be found again
It was nice, I felt
Bit of downpour escaped the window blinds and fell on the floor
Like pearls on the ground
I turned around to see you face on face
So close, so near
You smelled great
Maybe it was the soap
Maybe it was the perfume
Maybe it was the kajal your eyes adorned
Or maybe it was just you, smelling great
I so intensely felt of holding your face tight in my small hands
Bring it closer to mine
And kissing your pink lips
Decency! Decency! I had to maintain
Cos it was the first time we were ever meeting
I had to show some sign off being mature and not kiddish
My mom called up and seemed upset
She was waiting for me for more than 4 hrs
Wasn’t her flight tomorrow?
I saw the departure board again
The flight was 20 mins to depart
There was a call for the passenger in the airport to report immediately at gate no 4
My mom was so upset that she started unpacking her luggage on her bed
The air hostess came to me and said “Is the passenger travelling?”
My mom was sitting on the bed and she refused to pack her bags again
Air hostess asked me again, she was pretty
I dint like her bright red lipstick, I felt it dint go well
I saw the departure board again, 13 more mins to depart and the final call was made
You held my hand
I was looking at you again
So close to my face
That the rain drops falling on my face dint seem to charm me anymore
Few of the drops escaped the air
And fell on your lips
How could I resist not kissing them?
You sensed my confusion
You took my hand and led me to the room
Made me sit on the bed
I couldn’t help but to stare at you
You looked more beautiful every passing moment
The website on the laptop opened with a faint sound
You directed me to cancel the tickets
But no, the flight was tomorrow
The air hostess lipstick annoyed even more
Final call from the security had lapsed half hr ago
Flight had taken off
Could I still cancel the ticket?
Can my mom still travel?
You held my face
Clearly wanting to get my confusion out
But how could you know, I am left speechless and with limited thinking when you were in front of me
You smelled great
You looked more beautiful as the time slip by
Then the other couple walked in
The guy had his wife sitting on his shoulder
The wife had their daughter in her arms
They all went to the spa with such content
I was surprised to see them all naked, was it normal?
Can they walk around bare when we were in the room?
But they dint mind or care of our presence
We were never there for them
They walked into the pool of rose all around
Their daughter slightly left a sound of happiness
They were happy
Was it a metaphor?
Did I actually see them walking past us?
The next thing I realise was
The rain waters slipping through my hair
You were standing in front of me, with your back facing me
Your hair felt soft
The rain waters were clearly enjoying their ride on your curly waves
My fingers instinctively traversed to move your curls away from your bare back
Your skin felt even softer
You turn around and look into my eyes
With a smile resisting to slip away from your lips
Your lips seemed so delicious
I could hold onto it forever and keep kissing them
Decency! Decnecy! It was the first time I was meeting you
But we stood there without a hint of meeting for the first time
Just under the rains, with no clothes on
It felt as though I knew you from long time
It felt as though it was not physical attraction
But more of being connected to your innermost sense
It felt nice
It felt complete
It felt dream like
It hurt badly! but I still woke up with a smile
My niece’s tiny legs had just lofted into the air and blissfully landed on my head!
I woke up
And the first thing I wanted to say was
Pass a smile to you
Woke up cos of you
With a smile
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
So he says “Let’s talk man to man” to her……
“ I have seen you so close that I dint hesitate to mutter my mind out. I saw every aspect of you that came along you as a person - the breezy laughter that I heard; the ambiguous answer that was uttered; the conscious attempt of ignoring of being spoken to, but still acknowledge it in your mind; the sudden flight of distant thought of what’s going on with your life; the amicable gesture of seeing me as someone; the cuddly embrace of your geeky smiles to something I mutter off; the call of a friendship when you needed someone to just listen to your mind; explosion of your desires yet to be achieved; sudden burst of excitement with small thrills of your life; depth of a conversation with minds disclosure on serious notes; a silent cry of a heel breaking off while you swayed to your dance classes; innocence of sharing your most personal thoughts; the juggle and balance of your timely insane surroundings; the patience off living through my stupidity; the part of caring if I ate something that day; those times of shouting at why am I not to be heard off; so on and on and on…
Somewhere in this interaction, I started expressing with the first attempt to speak out. Fumbling with my attempt, it was an explosion which was not gauged. With my own fears of being understood, I still ventured into unknown horizon. It felt true to me of telling you my feelings, yet though, still seen as black and white. To me it was a nurture to color it with your thoughts and response. As they say, it was a bazooka of opening up………… sheesh what an unforeseen portrayal. In the right stride, I assumed its ok, as it was me telling you in my own ways of what I see things as.
It seems, every thing has a response and that is something which I dint see it quite clear. A touch of a pendulum, swings to the other side and comes to you; a boomerang always comes back to your jumpy hand; a stretched band always recoils to its inception; but all these were just left as attributes which felt only logical and not in action when there was no response to my explosion of views. Something was missing.
With the quite small brains, not sure it did work properly as the melody was ruling my heart, I was trying to decipher, but to no avail. So I was left thinking aloud what was it, that was missing. As I understood, I am not the creator of these feelings and thus I can’t understand the reaction to it as much, I left it aside with a pinch of salt.
But you know, such things don’t leave you so soon, it’s a like a ghost of a loving partner who wants to cling onto you forever even if you try to move on. So the thoughts embraced my world of mind’s normalcy analyzing what was missing. I would end up having another conversation with you if I speak more of it. So let’s leave at that.
Somewhere on the path, I flinched. I kept to myself of what to tell you, of what to express, of what to let out and I became more conscious, forcefully. I suppose, this is just a nature of survival, as it seemed.
Somewhere it seemed, you just wanted to see me here but not take me home. I recoiled to my state of mind, which was streaming faster than light. Let it be the way it is, I said to myself; let it be as it wasn’t meant to be.
Process thus evolved, I convinced myself, its ok not to get what you see, it is more important that you told what was meant to be told – rest was left to the recipient and to destiny.
And that’s when I started becoming invisible, dissolving slowly into the chaotic calms of a whirlpool. Accepting the part that whatever happens, happens for good.
You will never realize this process of dissolution until one day you acknowledge it. But then that day when you come along, I will still be myself as all I have to offer is that pure expression of speaking my mind out and expressing it with my nibbles. That’s me, I told myself, that’s just me – but then can I be my real self, well time will tell and I hope it remains the same.
It looked like, you dint need to adopt another feeling in your phase of life, just that that feeling was relayed from my end with blissful innocence. Time will tell, when it wisheth to be spoken. Until then this ambiguity of white noise will prevail.
White Noise – an absolute tranquility in commotion – for now its all white painted with noise all around, but then as they say, it’s just a notion of being alive.
I will see you, I know; I will hear you, I know; I will respond to you, I know; I will react to you, I know; I will acknowledge you, I know; but will you ever see the white noise, that, that something is which I don’t know. But it’s ok. It’s all ok as it is not meant to be heard off.
Tomorrow is a new day, and it will bring forth a new perspective. Until then, it is me, you and this white noise who will play the opera of singing out in high notes. Let’s just enjoy this moment as it is made available. For you never know, what comes tomorrow along with.
It seems as the wise old man says “the flower bud can only bloom with enough warmth from sunrays, the minute there’s cloud of uncertainty looming over in the sky, the flower bud just embraces an early death without showing its true nature of being appreciated and so it seems are the expressions and feelings… unless they have been acknowledged and spoken off, they never take off the road to fly high”
And so he says “Lets talk man to man” to her.
She will not even realize Molly, the Indian country pup could speak so much as she visited him everytime in the adoption centre. For her, it was a cute, charming pup who was seen as he was. But for him, he was willingly wishful that she takes him home to a dreamland where he would love her everytime, everywhere. He would follow her like a song in the desert, but never would leave her in her vain. He would eagerly wait for her footsteps as she would enter the gate. He would nibble around her minds thoughts as she would enter the door. He would make her at ease as she sat down by the recliner, just with the touch, just with the embrace and just with his woof woof…. She will never know, woof meant more than woof. Alas, if only one could understand what a pup had to say, it’s the best friend one could ever have.
“Love is not necessarily to be seen, but it’s with such small gestures that one realizes, wish they could see it in real. But the beauty of love, is always felt, just that the heart and eyes have to open for it”
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Talk of the influence from the TV, my niece and nephew precisely knew of what they had to do. First they came with a plate with imaginative flowers and aarathi, performed a ritual where I had to bow down and let them apply the vermilion. This followed by setting my hair straight, yeah my niece was particular of the fact that my hair had to look decent. Wiped my face off the anxiety and then I was asked to follow what they had in their mind.
I was handed over the garland and my supposedly life partner was sent to exchange the garlands as a custom. To my surprise this dint stop at 1 life partner as I was made to do the same for 2 more lovely ladies. Call it a shock of my life, when I dint have a clue of handling 1 partner how on earth will I manage 3 altogether. However this seemingly dint bother my niece and nephew, not at all.
One of the ladies, wore a significantly bright saree and dressed up to kill any homebound heartful romantic, however to add a tinge to her dressing sense – she wore a pair of boots which was amusing. The other came across bit more fashionable for a wedding, sporting a party goer attire with dazzling shiny halter top and to match it along a denim skirt barely above her knees. She had a sheepish smile on her face and her hair was colored golden brown. I wanted to see my moms face to this look, missed it definitely as I was concentrating on the ladies. The last one, brunette with long tresses was bold enough to come along with an enviable red cocktail dress, the neckline so deep down that the audience would dive to take a peek into. Her stilettos made me wonder how did she even manage to walk without spraining her legs. Hmmm, should I be jealous or play along with the flirtatious view.
Finally I had to agree to what was happening and the garlands were exchanged. The ladies, or so to my call my life partners were made to sit on my lap for the final ceremony – kanyadhaan. I swear on my active senses, I heard my heart do a thump dance to the tunes of Mcdonalds – I’m loving it!!!
At the end of the entire melodrama, I was declared married to 3 most beautiful women I had seen. With no time gap, I was immediately escorted by my niece to a room and was cautioned – I will lock the room from outside!!!
To my amusement, I sat along with the ladies or should I say my life partners in a locked room wondering what was the next thing I am supposed to play along with. Without a hint of any guilt, the ladies blindly looked at me and just retained their gorgeous smile. Call it a boon, they dint utter a word and that made things easier in such an embarrassing caught up situation. I thanked almighty for making a person invent Barbie dolls to amuse the little girls that I was relaxing to a large extent and dint have to take this drama any longer.
Yes I was married off to 3 Barbie dolls whom my niece and nephew almost thought were real. A victim of the kids boredom, I was happily married away to cater to their mischievous afternoon.
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Platitude as it may sound, one intends to believe thus achieved, the contribution is done, it’s expressed, it’s uttered and our part is over.
Think of it, we live in a society, wherein a sister, friend, mother, relative, girlfriend, neighbor, et all who is a girl is cornered at every step. Be it sacrifices, humiliation, fear, abusiveness, rejection, the steps can be widened in undermining the gender.
Let’s look at this part of the world, the gender world. I am ashamed with every depth of me being a man, that a sense of such insane act can be clad upon our own species and that too on the gender that we deem to be the supreme in our society. Woman is what we have been told to respect for, from our yester years, learning’s that we inculcate from our mother, sisters, teachers and to a social upbringing that makes us respect them. So what goes wrong when we reach the maturity and decide it is fine to be abusive on the ones we should respect.
Only psychology will have an answer to it but not humanity, as it is inhumane, for us to accept it to be fine and to deal with such absurdity.
What happened to our world, where we are taught to live free, express freely, admire the existence, appreciate our gifts and the respect we learnt in our childhood days.
Gone in the wind, when we encounter with such a trauma as recent as, an awakening to the animosity. We named her Nirbhaya, did she ask for it, did she feel happy about being called so, did she want to refuse the name thus given, did she …… the questions can never be known from her, as she demised with losing her essentials – hope, dreams, desires, future, family, known, unknowns and whatever was coming her way for good. She was forced to lose it, abused to lose it, victimized to lose it; at the end of it she lost it, her life, her soul, her existence, thrown to a tattered birth. Who is to be blamed? She could never express after what was incurred to her.
To think of it, what was her mistake? To be born as a girl who could be a need for some absurd fantasy of a flipped mind. To be the easy availability to a soulless entity who just knew to achieve riddance of his sexual drives. So was she casted as a material, a thing, a nonliving; who would not feel the pain of their prowess, the insult of being respected for, a subject of ones need, just a entertainment of their evening drive, or just a girl to be taken granted for accepting anything thrust upon???
Those accused, admitted to their cruelty openly without a shine of remorse, without a feel of guilt, without a show of feeling inhumane; they narrated what proudly they subjected her to a tease. It was an act of pleasure as they saw, how much ever insane it might sound, it felt right for them to abuse her, subjugate her, subject her to the utmost vivacious act of compulsion someone can ever think of and at the end of it kill her soul!!!!
We mourned, we protested, we admitted to the seriousness of what is happening, but at the same time, we see many more of incidents which repeated the demonic act. How many instances have been reported thus since and how many have not, how many innocents have been abused, how many souls have been broken ever since, that we see it as common in our life that the society is not fit to live in.
Is it the society to be really blamed for, it is supposed to be the upbringing of ourselves that culminates into a mass of livings, which forms the so called society. So somewhere there birthed a negative essence which is showing its horns into our very own surroundings. Who is to be blamed for, there can’t be any force to be named precisely. But it exists in real, in flesh and blood that is showing the rush towards innocence just to please their insatiable feelings.
I am ashamed to be called a man, when one of my genders is engulfed in believing they need to act to their needs. For I have to shun my face to their mistakes, cover my face when a woman casts her eyes with such ferocity of what is happening to her gender. For her, I am not me, but I am just a man, void of any other aspect, I am just a man who treated them inappropriately as they know of. Subjected them to every utter of disrespect, every possible way of abuse, every chance of feeling them, every instance of using them, I am just a man as seen by them, who they started to hate, fear, be disgusted off.
I regret the feeling of what is happened and is still happening, I regret of being called a man when the other gender looks at me as the one who was responsible for the mistreat. I regret being called a man when I can sleep over the fact that the same can happen to the ones I know of, related to, care about, respect for, admire with every possible sense. I regret what happened to you being a woman, from centuries of trauma you had to face, for I know the value of what you are.
What we need is a respect of what we are for, to take care of you, to respect you, to protect you, to give an assurance that we are there to thwart any disrespect that may be casted on you. We need to have an awakening of what we become off, relearn the cause of what we need to be from our mother, the one who was responsible to tender us, let us grow, make us what we are to respect others and the most of all respect womanhood. We need to have an awakening which strives in our culture, our sanctity of being a human, our morale of being right and our resolution of doing right.
We need a reformed mindset, where when we sleep, we do acknowledge that we did nothing wrong in all our conscience. We were not wrong to others, we did nothing wrong to anyone. Most of all, we need to live being a human who is the matured of all.
Can there be a society where we can live like humans? As the wise old man speaks, it’s all in us, each individual’s, who can assess what is right and what is wrong with full consciousness. Can there be one, question which can never be answered but only desired to be right.